The Destined xDuelx Children's Card Game
by JL01
Summary: Attention, duelists! My Hair is telling me that a Christmas Special chapter has been uploaded! My Hair wishes you a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: **Yu-Gi-Oh is the property of Kazuki Takahashi and its owners. No copyright infringement intended. The concepts and original ideas of Yugioh Abridged belongs to LittleKuriboh. Please support both the original and Abridged series!**  
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***IMPORTANT!* ****A/N:** It is inevitable in some sections (Particularly Zorc & Pals, as well as Marik's Evil Council of Doom) to use a script format, as a classic novel style simply doesn't fit in. Please understand. Or not… -_-

**Story Summary: **Attention, duelists! My Hair is telling me that you should read this Abridged fic which takes place during the final episodes of the original series!

**Note: **I wrote this first chapter whilst simultaneously watching scenes from Yugioh Episode 220, on which this is based on. The next chapters will be on the following episodes, right up to the final episode of the original series.

* * *

><p><strong>The Destined <strong>**(Duel)**** Children's Card Game**

**(Opening Crawl)**

Yami (to the melody of Family Guy intro): It seems today that all you see is Brooklyn Rage in movies, and card games on TV! …Seriously, though, what's up with that?

* * *

><p><strong>(Somewhere, out in the middle of nowhere of a canyon in Egypt)<strong>

"Pharaoh, if you and your friends would like us to, Marik and I can now lead you to the final resting place of the seven Millennium Items," Ishizu said to Yami as they all stood next two cars which were conveniently positioned close by.

"Yes, Ishizu, just forget that I even exist, even as I am standing right behind you," Odion mumbled.

"Shut up, Odion."

"Yes, Master Marik."

"For the last freaking time, Odion! Stop putting that *EFF!*ing title before my name!" Marik yelled.

"Yes, Master Marik."

"…You _really _don't have a clue as to what I'm getting at, do you?"

"Yes, Master Marik."

"You mean that I must part with my Millennium Puzzle? Preposterous!" Yami blurted, his eyes widening in shock as he stared at Ishizu.

"There is nothing left for it, Pharaoh. Our time is almost at an end, due to the inexplicable impatience of the writing staff," Ishizu explained.

"Hnrrrghhh…" Yami grunted with a pout.

* * *

><p><strong>(Opening Title Sequence)<strong>

Kawaita~ sekebi ga~

Todoke~ fly at higher ga~~~~me

* * *

><p><strong>(Later, at the harbor)<strong>

"Nyeh? What's with the boat? Why can't we take a plane to that damn shrine, instead?" Joey asked as the cars came to a stop.

"Because shut up," Ishizu said. "The sanctuary can only be reached by boat."

"Joey, have I ever told you that you have such weird-ass eyes?" Tristan smiled stupidly as he looked at his friend.

"…The hell does _that _have to do with this crappy transportation limitation?" Joey raised an eyebrow.

"Look!" Tristan thrust his chest outwards – rather unnecessarily – whilst clearing his throat.

"Nyeh?" Joey spun around to see Tea looking at the ship, her bottom lip shaking.

'_I can't believe that this is really goodbye!' _Tea thought. _'I couldn't even tell the Pharaoh that I'm carrying his child! …or Yugi's child, I don't know…but I'm rooting for the Pharaoh in this case.'_

"Nyehehehehe, I love boats! Although, to tell the truth, I think that boats are a waste of time. But still, anything's worth faking if it means preventing Tea from crying! Cos you know what _that_ means, don't ya, Tristan?" Joey laughed.

"Magical tears?"

"…friendship speeches, you idiot…" Joey kept up his fake grin while growling at him.

"Ages ago, it was believed that teapot-shaped boats were the only vessels with the ability to take spirits into the world beyond," Ishizu said after approaching the ship.

"The world beyond?" Tea's voice trembled.

"Several millennia ago, before the first duel monster tablets were built, the Ancient Egyptians apparently liked to spend their time watching boats carrying dead people racing towards the west. Nobody knows why, but it was either that or building pyramids," Ishizu explained.

"Yugi, you homewrecking rascal of a grandson! Look over here!" a very, very old voice called out to them suddenly. They all looked to see Duke Devlin and Mokuba standing patiently and still, while a still-alive Grandpa was unnecessarily waving his arm about like a child.

"Grandpa! Duke!" Yugi smiled as he and his friend ran over to greet them.

"Hey! Watch where you're going, you dumb Rattata!" Joey complained at Mokuba who ran through them.

"Aipom! Ai!" Mokuba yelled as he jumped up and started to swing around Kaiba's neck.

"Kthxgetoffmenow," Kaiba mumbled.

"I came here for a tan, to further complement my sweet ass," Duke said, SexyBack playing in the background.

"By the way, what are you doing here, grandpa?" Yugi asked.

"I came out here to Egypt, as I've heard that there has been a rise in the number of deaths caused by heat stroke! Hopefully, today will be the day!" Grandpa cheerfully explained.

"Your grandpa's been talking in his sleep, Yugi. I couldn't take any more of it, so I just brought him along," Duke grinned.

"The hell were you doing with my grandpa, Duke?" Yugi asked.

"Nobody, and I mean _nobody, _can resist Duke Devlin, baby. Your grandpa came to _me_," Duke grinned. "Though I have no idea what Mokuba's doing here."

"Bulbasaur! Bulb!"Mokuba whined at his brother. "You took off without telling anyone, big brother! For the first time in my life, I thought _you _were kidnapped instead!"

"That's never gonna happen, Mokuba. Because _I _am Seto Kaiba, and your eternal smallness will _always _render you as an attractive kidnapping target," Kaiba turned his head and sighed.

"While you were gone, I've been thinking, big brother. The next time you go missing, I might take over KaibaCorp myself and make _you _work for _me_!" Mokuba laughed.

'_To be…or not to be…that is the question…' _Kaiba thought in his head.

"By the way, Duke, how did you even know we were making this trip in the first place?" Yugi asked. "Because none of us told you anything about us going to Egypt. Have you been stalking us? Hacking into our message banks? Answer me, goddammit!"

"Oh…let's just say that I have friends in high places, Yugi. _Very _high places," Duke said, looking up at the sky.

"He's been in contact with God! He must be a witch!" Tristan cried out.

"Tristan, we've been through this already! I'm _not _a witch!" Duke complained.

"Umm…Tristan, witches have nothing to do with God. Maybe the Church of Scientology, for all I know, but _definitely_ not with God," Tea remarked.

"I don't care! Burn the witch!"

"Hey Joey, where's your sister, Serenity? As much as we all utterly despise her annoying voice, it'd totally make no sense if she wasn't here. I mean, that would mean that she's all alone in some random place in the city with no card games around! That'd be like a death sentence to anybody!" Yugi noted.

"Holy **** on a **** sandwich! You're right, Yugi!" Tristan exclaimed. "Where _is she_, Joey? Where is that sexy sister of yours who is three years younger than me?"

Joey looked blankly at them both. "…_what _sister?"

* * *

><p><strong>(Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, in a syringe-shaped building)<strong>

"You've finally done it, Yugi-boy," Pegasus said as he stood in his office, looking aimlessly out the window. "Everything I've spent my life creating – which involves little to nothing other than the creation of a children's card game – has been leading up to this! Through my deeds, the stage has been set for the Pharaoh's final journey home!"

Suddenly, Ghost Nappa popped up from nowhere. "What the f*** does card games have to do with transportation?"

"Shut up, Nappa."

* * *

><p><strong>(Later, during sunset as the unnecessary ship makes its way to its destination)<strong>

"Come to think of it, guys, I'm really thankful to all of you guys for always being there for me. I couldn't have done it without you. Except for Bakura, of course. That guy was nothing but trouble in almost every season," Yugi said reflectively as he looked out towards the horizon.

"Don't mention it, Yug," Joey said. "But still, I can't believe that our series is actually coming to an end. Think of all the card games we'll be abandoning to lame rap artists pretending to be duelists!"

"It's the sole responsibility of the ineffectual minor character man to look out for his comrades in arms!" Tristan pumped his fist into the air, completely ignored by Yugi and Joey.

"Umm, Joey, you may not be aware of it, but LittleKuriboh hasn't even released Episode 53 of the Abridged Series yet. It'll be up in about two weeks," Yugi informed him. "And besides, this isn't an episode made by LittleKuriboh, but yet another crappy story on fanfiction dot net, written by an author who has clearly never written a Yugioh Abridged story before, and most definitely doesn't have a slightest concept of what he's dealing with. So I clearly don't trust him to deliver a satisfactory story to the readership. Not to mention that he'll probably just re-use many old jokes that LittleKuriboh came up with. In fact, I think he's done plenty of that already."

"God-dammit, Nappa!" Tristan dumbly smiled.

"Shut up, Tristan, or I'll chuck you off the ship," Yugi warned him.

"Enough, already. Cut the crap," Kaiba said with a puff.

"Nyeh? What are _you still _doing here, anyway?" Joey turned his head.

"We have our reasons! _Good _reasons! Our reasons couldn't possibly be so clear!" Mokuba cried. "Umm, bro? What was our reason for being here?"

'_Shut up, Mokuba. For the love of God, just shut the hell up,' _Kaiba thought silently.

"Yeah, why _did _you come, Kaiba?" Yugi asked.

"He has joined us to witness the pharaoh's final rite of passage into the world beyond," Ishizu said as she walked painstaking slowly barely five steps across from where she was original standing, due to the sheer laziness and neglect of the Yu-Gi-Oh animation staff.

'_Fat chance. Like I believe that drug-induced bulls**t. I'm just tagging along so that I can duel Yugi later on. I'm going to beat him in a children's card game to give a permanent boost to my ego, no matter what,' _Kaiba thought again.

"I must mention that there is something else you all must know about, and it doesn't concern my change of clothes," Marik said, stepping forward. "A secondary inscription above the Millennium Stone mentions a battle ritual."

"No ****ing way! We just came from stopping Zorc & Pals from destroying the world, and now you want us to battle _again_?" Yugi asked him.

"In order for the pharaoh to attain his final rest, he must face off in a battle against a worthy opponent and lose," Marik declared.

"Battle? What battle?" Joey questioned.

"Well, in Ancient Egypt, this would normally involve him engaging in a demented sword duel to the death, but lucky for us, we only have to play an innocent children's card game!" Marik said.

"…oh, great…_more _card games," Yugi sighed.

Yami suddenly randomly appeared next to Yugi in spirit form as he spoke., "This is incredible, Yugi! Do you know what this means?"

"What is it, Pharaoh?"

"It means that there is, for once, an actual point to the card games in this series! All the duels that had taken place up to this point in time could've been resolved by other, much simpler means, such as simple and pure violence," Yami said. "But having said that, this time, there's an actual _point _to playing a children's card game! Fancy that!"

"You know, pharaoh, we _could _just play a best two-out-of-three game of rock-paper-scissors in order to save the animators and script writers an awful lot of their time. But then again, the developers of this show never had that much originality anyway," Yugi dully noted.

"Oh, yeah… I forgot... Why can't we do _that_ instead? But man, I _hate _losing, no matter _what _games we're playing," Yami whined.

"Umm, excuse me, Marik, but I honestly can't think of what could be possibly so difficult in _losing _a game of duel monsters. I think I speak for all of us when I merely mention the two words, 'Mai Valentine'," Yugi spoke to Marik.

"Oh, yeah – I wonder what's going on with her?" Joey wondered.

* * *

><p><strong>Somewhere, along a highway<strong>

"…my breasts are too _hot_ for Egypt…"

* * *

><p>"Foolish fool! Playing the card game to the bitter end is integral to the plot – the <em>ultimate <em>plot! And it is the most evil of them all! They're going to get rid of us, in favor of some spinoff series which involves a foolish fool who foolishly sees the foolish need to use so many damned fusion monsters which all have the word 'Elemental' in their names! I mean, who the hell creates a deck that revolves around fusion monsters, let alone manages to summon them all, given the extremely low chance of drawing the required cards at the right time?" Marik complained.

"Boy, that was the first time I've ever seen or heard someone repeat the same word over and over again, since I had a go at playing some games in the Phoenix Wright series!" Joey said. "But _man_, did I like that cyan-haired German girl who saw the need to whip people every five seconds. Still, her whip's got nothing on Mai Breastintine's cleavage!"

"That reminds me, Joey. Since Flame Swordsman is actually a fusion monster, how did you manage to summon it at all in all the duels you used it in?" Tea asked.

"It's called _cheating_, Tea! _Man_, you'd think that by now, people would come to accept it as the norm of this show. I mean, what are the chances of drawing the card you need at the right time by calling upon some stupid abstract idea such as the Heart of the Cards? There's quite possibly no idea in the world as stupid as that!" Joey answered.

Tristan spoke up. "…Card games on motorcycles?"

* * *

><p><strong>(Later, at night)<strong>

"Y'know, Yug," Joey said as he and Yugi stood dangerously close to falling over and off the railing of the ship, "I've come a really long way since the Duelist Kingdom tournament. And if you ask me, I could probably kick the pharaoh's butt now!"

"No ****ing way!" Yugi cried out.

"O…k, so I may have overestimated my chances a bit," Joey conceded.

"A 'bit'? You _do _realize that with a deck based on dumb luck, you'll never win against a deck like the pharaoh's, right, Joey?" Yugi mocked.

"Don't do it, Joey! The possibility of you successfully beating either Yugi or the pharaoh at a card game is approximately 3720 to one!" Tristan begged.

"Never tell me the odds!" Joey pouted. "Why _can't _I be the one to beat the pharaoh?"

"Because you're a joke, Wheeler," Kaiba scoffed as he made his appearance.

"Nyeh?"

"Don't you losers realize that I've been waiting for this moment for _years_?" Kaiba continued.

"Boy, does _he _need a change of hobby," Tristan remarked.

"I _challenge _you to the ultimate duel, Yugi, by unnecessarily pointing my finger at you in overdramatic fashion!" Kaiba shouted.

"Geez, Kaiba, I'm standing right in front of you – why do you even have to yell?" Yugi looked at him with puppy eyes.

"Hey, back off! I was in line first! Nyeeeh!" Joey raged at Kaiba before he was effortlessly shoved away. He tried to get back at Kaiba, only to be met by his hand in his face.

"I'm sure you're well acquainted with this gesture, Wheeler: talk to the hand, bitch!" Kaiba said.

"Now that you mention it, Kaiba, you _do _have an intense rivalry with the pharaoh. But on the other hand, since I feel like being an utter asshole, _I'm _going to duel the pharaoh myself," Yugi spoke.

"This is preposterous! The only one who has a right to be an asshole in this show is _me_!" Kaiba yelled as he lifted Yugi clean off the floor and into the air by his collar.

"You can't doubt it yourself, Kaiba! This is something I need to do, in order to prove to the world that I'm not a hopeless wuss without him!...for some reason, that is," Yugi stated. "And deep down, _you _know it as well!"

"If there's one duelist in the world who deserves to win against him, it's me. And if there's _one _monster which deserves to crush his god cards, then it's my Steelix! …_I mean my Blue-Eyes_."

"No. _I'm _going to duel against him, and that's that," Yugi looked up at him.

"What? This is a joke! I demand a duel this _instant_!" Kaiba raged, clenching his teeth.

"It's _the rules_, Kaiba! Face it, you've lost so many times against the pharaoh – what makes you think you have a chance? The rules state that only a duelist who is capable of beating him has to face off against the pharaoh!"

"_Screw the rules, I have money!" _Kaiba roared, before muttering in concession, dropping Yugi who promptly began to rub his neck as if he was being suffocated, despite the fact that Kaiba was holding him up by his collar which had no effect on his respiratory system. "Fine. Have it your way. But if you're going to be dueling against _him,_ then you'll be needing _this_."

"Coming, bro!" Mokuba smiled as he carried forth a briefcase.

"Shut up, Mokuba. Just open the briefcase of doom, already."

"Yes, big brother," Mokuba smile faded instantly as he opened the apocalyptic artefact.

"Wow! That is a _great _collection of cards!" Yugi complimented him. "Too bad it's probably filled with dragon cards, so I'll most definitely not be needing it."

"What the ***k?" Kaiba exclaimed.

"I'll be sticking to my usual deck, instead. The pharaoh and I built it together in my bedroom, so it's only appropriate that I use it," Yugi said.

'_Lucky bastard…if only I had the chance to be alone with the pharaoh in a bedroom,' _Tea thought.

"Idiot. Have it your way, then, with your stupid uncooked marshmallows and toy magnets that are weak to the bone. Come on, Mokuba, we're going to flag some more YouTube videos," Kaiba complained as he began to walk off.

"Big bro! Wait for me!" Mokuba cried as he followed after him.

"Shut up, Mokuba."

* * *

><p><strong>(Later, in Yugi's room)<strong>

"Come in!" Yugi brightly said as he heard three knocks against his door.

"Hey, Yugi. Have a sex? I mean…have a sec?" Tea asked.

'_Oh, boy, this is my chance!' _Yugi silently chuckled to himself. "Sure, Tea, come in!"

"Teehee! I'm finally alone with my Yugimuffin!" Tea smiled as she came in and closed the door – not with her hand, but by pressing her back against it. Hmm….

"So, what did you want to say to me, Tea?"

"Oh…it's not really something I wanted to say. It's leaning more towards _doing_. What are you doing all alone…in a bedroom?" Tea grinned as her eyes wandered to the table. "Oh, for the love of crap!"

"I've gotta be ready for the duel tomorrow, Tea. There's nothing for it."

"Yugi, it's been 220 episodes, and I _still _haven't made love with you!" she complained.

"I'm sorry, Tea, but card games are of the utmost importance! The world couldn't possibly go on without them. But still, it makes me sad that the pharaoh will soon be gone forever," Yugi looked down.

"But…but I'm _pregnant_, and he's the father!" Tea blurted out as her eyes started twinkling. "How will I ever raise our children without him?"

"I guess you'll just have to move on, Tea," Yugi shook his head. "Hey, I've got a great idea! Why don't you hook up with me, instead? I'll totally look out for and care for you and everything. It'll be Super Special Awesome!"

"Yugi, I'm _not _going to let my children grow up munching on bamboo sticks for their entire life. And umm…could you do me a tiny bit of a favor?"

"Sure, what is it, Tea?"

"Could you, umm…possibly _lose _your duel with the pharaoh?" Tea asked politely. "You can always play him again maybe next week and win then, I'm sure. I just want more time with him, that's all."

"As much as I'd like to oblige you, Tea, all of the duelists on this show are egomaniacs who hate even the slightest mention of defeat," Yugi rebuffed. "So the answer is unfortunately no." Tea suddenly went silent and looked down at the floor as if she was depressed. "Umm…Tea?"

"Huh? Oh, it's nothing, Yugi!" Tea insisted with a smile as she waved her hands in front of her. "You may have crushed my dreams of a happy life with the pharaoh and raising several beautiful children with him, but it's really no biggie! Bye now!"

"Umm…ok? Bye, I guess…" Yugi murmured as Tea went out, shutting the door behind her. He then looked down and held his Millennium Puzzle. "Ahem?"

"It's _Atem_, Yugi. Geez, you guys are terrible at remembering names. You all have a perfectly legitimate – and not to mention overly visible – excuse to confuse Mai Valentine's name, but not mine!" Yami's voice berated him from within the Puzzle.

"I…think she maybe wanted to talk to you. In person."

"…You really think all she wanted was to _talk _with me? What about _do_?" Yami mocked him.

* * *

><p><strong>(Outside, in the freezing cold)<strong>

"Joey, what the hell are you doing out here by yourself?" Duke asked, getting Joey's attention as he was looking with a solitary gaze out to the open sea.

"Joey, whatever you do, don't jump!" Tristan implored him. "When I went ice fishing with my father in Lake Wissota, I fell through some thin ice; and I'm telling you – water that cold hits you like a thousand knives stabbing all over your body! You can't breathe, you can't think, at least not-"

"We get the picture, Tristan. Just shut up already!" Duke winced at him.

"But Duke!" Tristan whined. "What'll happen if Joey dies? Who's gonna walk his fine-ass sister down the aisle when the day of our marriage comes?"

"…Oh, dream on," Duke rolled his eyes.

"To tell you the truth, guys, I've learned a lot of things about life after meeting Yugi. Well, _after _me and Tristan stopped beating the living crap outta him and taking his Millennium Puzzle, that is…on a regular basis, anyway. And it's all down to playing a harmonious children's card game where we get the living crap beaten, exploded and stabbed out of us by holographic monsters! Who would've thought?" Joey reflected as Tristan and Duke joined him in leaning against the railing – a most awkward scene indeed.

"Wow, Joey, you're a lot smarterer than I gave you credit for!" Tristan smiled.

"Umm…Tristan, 'smarterer' isn't actually a word…" Duke gave him a weird look.

"You're just jealous because _I'm _going to be the one to marry his hot sister!" Tristan teased.

"Yeah, well at least I'm the only one with a chance of scoring with her," Duke answered, receiving no reply from Tristan in response.

* * *

><p><strong>(Meanwhile, in Kaiba's room)<strong>

'_I couldn't be more frustrated than I am, right now,'_ Kaiba thought to himself as he looked out the window. _'I can't duel against Yugi, my little brother is still following me around, and I don't even have a laptop with me to flag and dislike youtube videos. Plus, this paltry ship is nowhere large enough in order to contain my ego. This is the worst cruise I've ever been on."_

* * *

><p><strong>(In other parts of the ship)<strong>

Bakura, yet again making a random appearance out of nowhere on the ship, despite the fact that he wasn't present at any other point in the episode, was happily om-nom-nomming away like a pig on a pork skewer and noodles.

Meanwhile, Grandpa was staring nervously at the ceiling of his room in the dark, eagerly awaiting his peaceful death. Of course, to his dismay, it never came.

In another cabin, Ishizu was tossing and turning in bed, clearly wearing nothing but lingerie underneath. Now we can all take a moment and wonder – how the hell did such a scene make it past the censors of 4Kids, the most evil and ruthless organization in the history of mankind?

Odion was also similarly alone in his room, thinking of nothing but his precious gummy bears collection back home. Marik still hadn't destroyed them, but deep down, Odion knew that day could come as swiftly as 4Kids Entertainment's sudden bankruptcy.

And finally, Marik was lying in bed, his hands pressed against the back of his head as he came to a brilliant conclusion: his Evil Council of Doom will need to be renamed, in order to reflect the change in his heart. Of course, Bakura would heartily disagree in disgruntled fashion, but then again, was his own power not greater than that of a mere kitty?

* * *

><p><strong>(Back in Yugi's cabin)<strong>

"Well, that was a greater challenge than I thought. Arranging a relatively weak deck out of a limited number of cards was surprisingly difficult," Yugi sighed as he placed his deck in a golden box which would only lead to great inconvenience when he would have to remove his cards again.

"Is it alright for me to pop out now?" Yami asked, popping out randomly to Yugi's side.

"Where the hell were you?" Yugi asked.

"I took my invisible bicycle out for a ride, so that I could give you some privacy to assemble your deck. I thought it was necessary."

"Why didn't you just take a peep at my entire deck? I mean, you _do _wanna stay here to the slightest degree, right?"

"Why the hell would I want to peep at your confectionery-infested deck, Yugi?" Yami asked.

"I dunno…cos you wanna win?"

"…You do realize that I could just Mind Crush you in the middle of our duel, right?"

"I see your point, Abem."

"It's _Atem_! For the love of Ra, it's not like I'm Bitch, from Pokémon!"

"It's Butch!" the cyan-haired Team Rocket agent popped up randomly in the lower-right corner of the YouTube screen.

"Get the hell out of my series, and never look to take up my screen time, ever again! _Mind Crush_!" Yami thrust his hand outwards, shattering the pixelated image before him.

"Well, I guess it's now time for _you _to choose your deck now, pharaoh. I'm gonna play in that awfully messy room of mine inside the Millennium Puzzle. I just hope Shadi's not gonna be stalking me while I'm in there. And I promise I won't peek while you're assembling your deck!" Yugi smiled.

"…yes, you will…" Yami pouted.

"Hehehe, I'm such a liar," Yugi chuckled. "Bye!" With a flash of light, Yugi disappeared, and in his place was Yami, who proceeded to look dramatically down at the table below him.

'_Oh, come on, Yugi, you left __**Kuriboh **__right on the frigging table. __**Kuriboh, **__out of all the cards you could've left over for me. A sick mind you've got, that's for sure,' _Yami thought. _'But yet, I can't help but get the feeling that every duel I've ever been in so far has been leading me to this destined moment. My duel with Kaiba, with Pegasus, with…no, definitely not Bakura. This is the greatest dilemma I've been in so far: If I lose to Yugi, then I'll return to my own world, where Mana will incessantly jump onto me like a monkey every day like the utter whore she is. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. But if I win, then I won't have to leave my friends behind: Yugi, Joey, Tristan, Tea, and…oh, for the love of Ra…Tea! That's it – I'd rather have a hyperactive girl leaping onto me every day than put up with those god-forsaken friendship speeches!'_

* * *

><p><strong>(Later, as the sun is rising)<strong>

"That's it – the sun has risen, slaves! Get back to building those pyramids!" a slavemaster yelled cruelly to his unfortunate workers as they toiled along the coastline.

"It's the 21st century – why do we even need to build more pyramids?" complained an anonymous worker.

"This makes card games look exciting by comparison!"

"This is sooo not _fabulooooous!"_

* * *

><p><strong>(Later that morning)<strong>

"Huh!" Yami gasped as he saw the crowd of friends (plus a strange, white-haired boy he could've sworn he had never seen before in his life) gathered together to greet him.

"Yug! I can't believe it! We've actually touched down in Middle Earth! This is the realm of the Haradrim!" Joey exclaimed.

"Joey, we're still in Egypt," Tea broke it to him.

"That can't be, Tea! I mean, look! There's people wearing headscarves standing around, and they're all carrying spears!" Joey mumbled.

Tea felt ashamed at her friend's utter stupidity. "They're shovels, Joey. They're digging dirt."

"Grandpa, I know you're eager to die, but you can put down your hand. I mean, look at everyone else! You don't see any of _them _with their hand in the air! God, you've been doing it since close to the start of the episode," Yami sighed.

"…Good luck, hubby…" Tea murmured as she looked sullenly at Yami.

"Now promise me, pharaoh," Joey smiled at him. "Since this is the last duel and will most definitely be the greatest of all time, promise us that you'll actually abide by the rules of Duel Monsters?"

Yami gave a simple reply. "Screw the rules, Joey – I'm the King of Egypt!" The screen then suddenly went all flashy, in trademark Japanese anime style at the end of every episode. "My skin! It's _on fire_! Someone tell those goddamned animation staff to cut it out!"

* * *

><p><strong>Outtake: Zorc &amp; Pals<strong>

Opening Title Song: Who's that crazy kook destroying the world? It's Zorc! ("That's me!") It's Zorc & Pals!

Zorc: I can't believe we've been banished by that god of light! Now I will no longer be able to destroy the world! (Audience laughter)

Bakura (crosses his arms in silence): ….. (AL)

Zorc: What's the matter? Did I say something wrong?

Bakura: You got taken out because you couldn't handle a tiny bit of sunlight, even after obliterating Exodia himself. I'm utterly ashamed of you, Zorc. (AL)

Zorc: Oh, don't be like that. At least I've still got my willy! (AL) It can cheer you up in no time! Here! Be careful with it, though! It can bite your head clean off! (AL)

Bakura: Uhh…no thanks. Why don't you go out and play in the yard, instead? I need some time to re-evaluate my life. (AL)

Zorc: I can't! There _is _no yard anymore! Because I _destroyed it_! (Rapturous Audience Laughter and whistling)

Bakura (chuckling): Zorc…never change. (Audience cheers)

Outro: The blood of the innocent will flow without end! His name is Zorc and he's destroyin' the world!

**(End of Chapter 1)**

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Well, since I've never actually written an Abridged story before, it's understandable that it simply doesn't compare to LittleKuriboh's episodes. I wrote this to have a brief break from my Chosen One Pokémon saga, and was originally going to make it a oneshot, but I've decided to expand it to about 3-4 chapters, maybe.

Please leave your reviews, and look out for the next chapter. : )


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Just like the previous chapter being based on Episode 220, this one is based on Episode 221.

* * *

><p><strong>Opening crawl<strong>

Yami: It's official! My card games are your father!

* * *

><p><strong>(Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…)<strong>

"Are we there yet?" Joey annoyingly asked everyone as they walked through the middle of nowhere in a desert canyon – despite the fact that they could've just used the cars in which they drove to get to the even more unnecessary boat.

"No!" everyone except the relatively antisocial Ishtars cried out in frustration.

"…how 'bout now?" Everyone chose to ignore the impatient furry.

"Behold!" Ishizu announced as they passed through an inconveniently narrow gap between two rock formations, which revealed to them their ultimate destination. "The Millennium Stone!"

"Oh my God, it's _another_ giant rock!" Kaiba exclaimed.

After they arrived at their destination, the two trap doors somehow opened up despite the fact that nobody even lay a single hand on it.

"…did I ever mention that not only can I break necks with my mind, but I can also open secret trapdoors which I was completely oblivious to, merely seconds ago?" Tristan said.

"Now, please follow me down these steps to the utterly dark recesses within," Ishizu led the way down the staircase.

"I don't like this place!" Tristan complained. "It smells _terrible_! Even more so than Bakura!"

"I don't smell – I'm just British! What could you possibly want?" Bakura winced.

'_My hormones cannot take this anymore!' _Tea thought as she suddenly stopped, her face all depressed.

"Nyeh? Whatcha stop for, Tea? You need to go wee-wee or somethin'?" Joey asked.

"Oh, it's nothing, Joey," Tea lied. "It's just that I find it difficult to even imagine a life without the pharaoh."

"Holy **** on a **** sandwich with **** on top! …And a generously oversized helping of ****! You're right, Tea! I was so hooked up on the highly original concept of Yugi playing yet another card game!" Tristan gasped.

"Please, I know how all of you feel about all this – as truly indifferent as ever," Ishizu said to them. "But you _must _understand. If we don't go through with this now, then we may never have such a chance again!"

"Wait a second – why do we have to go through this today, anyway?" Joey questioned. "We could maybe come back here, nyeh…in a few years' time?"

"How about _never_, Joey? I can't part ways with my chick magnet!" Yugi grimaced.

"If you dweebs start holding each other's hands, then I'm outta here," Kaiba crossed his arms. "I didn't come here to listen to you drabble – I came here to watch what is quite possibly the best children's card game _ever_…and maybe get a boner in the process."

"_Well maybe if you had some friends, you wouldn't feel that way!_" Joey yelled.

"Don't give in to hate, Joey! That leads to 4Kids Entertainment!" Tristan begged as Kaiba glared at the furry who was standing before him.

"Let's get going already, guys," Yugi dully said, and they kept on walking.

* * *

><p><strong>(Opening Title Sequence)<strong>

Kawaita~ sekebi ga~

Todoke~ fly at higher ga~~~~me

* * *

><p><strong>(After an eternity of walking)<strong>

"Nyeh nyenyenye~~h, nyeh nyenye~~h, nyeh nyenyenye~~h, nyeh nyenyeh nyeh nyeh," Joey 'sang' the Indiana Jones theme song as he had quickly gotten bored of walking for ages.

"Oh, shut up, Joey!" Yugi whined.

After a brief silence, Joey sang again, this time to the tune of the Super Mario 'dungeon' theme. "Nyehnyehnyehnyehnyehnyeh..."

"_Joey_..." Yugi warned him with a stern voice.**  
><strong>

"Man, what the hell's with this place? We've been walking for _miles,_ and we haven't even gotten anywhere!" Joey growled.

"Not to mention that the utter absence of any lights on the walls should really render this entire corridor pitch-black," Yugi added. "I mean, none of us are even holding a torch of any kind!"

"My voice is the source of the world's eternal light!" Tristan claimed.

"This is _serious, _guys! For all we know, gay zombies like the ones we encountered in that crappy movie could be waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs! …_if _there is a 'bottom of the stairs', that is," Joey continued.

"Joey, I thought we all agreed that we would _never _mention that abhorrent monstrosity of a film, ever again," Tea sighed.

"It's just dawned on me, guys, but, umm…" Yugi said. "School hasn't finished yet, so we're technically skipping classes. Again."

"Who cares? School sucks, anyway. I'd rather be facing death almost everyday, all because of our fascination with children's trading cards!" Joey smiled.

Yugi responded. "Well, considering that we all live in a world environment in which children's card games are held in greater esteem and holds precedence over all other things in life, I'm not that surprised."

"This artificial light is burning my sweet, sensitive skin!" Tristan complained. "I miss being with my darling Serenity!"

"Perv on my sister again, Tristan, and you're gonna end up here in a week's time. As a mummy," Joey warned him.

"Why do we have to come down here, anyway? Couldn't this duel be played in a more…how should I put this in a light way…_friendly _environment?" Yugi asked Marik.

"Shut the *EFF!* up!" Marik yelled at him. "I'm just as disgruntled – if not _more _disgruntled – than you, as I have been disturbed from my usual hobby of looking at por-…I mean…_old_…_porcelain_. Yes. Porcelain is what I meant."

"Aaagh! Whoa, nelly!" Grandpa yelped as everything suddenly went dark. "Is this the day I've been waiting for? Am I finally dead?"

"No, grandpa. For some reason, everything's gone dark. If you ask me, I'd have a guess that it's all because of 4Kids Entertainment's bankruptcy," Yugi said.

"Oh…that was just my ego. Sorry. It can do that. _A lot,_" Kaiba answered.

"Man, Yug, we are _so _cancelled for that remark," Joey chuckled.

"What the _crap_?" Marik complained. "Odion, _you _were supposed to be holding the *EFF!*ing torch, for *EFF!*'s sake!"

"Yes, Master Marik."

Grandpa reached around in the dark for Yugi, and soon came into contact with what he deemed his target. "Ah, Yugi! There you are! That's strange…we're both pretty much mini-men with the same height, and yet, when I reach out to touch your face, all I feel is your stomach! Is something wrong? Have you _grown _at such short notice, Yugi?"

"Gramps, I'm right behind you."

"Nonsense! I recognise your feel anywhere! Maybe your face is a little higher," Grandpa insisted, his hands moving up the body. "Oh…oh wait! What are these two soft balloons attached to your chest? Just where did you get these balloons, Yugi? Have you been having birthday parties with the forces of darkness again?"

"Eek! Back off, old man!" Tea angrily jabbed him randomly in the dark, hitting him on the nose.

"Whooa, nelly!" Grandpa cried, falling backwards into Joey, Bakura and Tristan who were standing behind him. He fell directly on top of Bakura, who moaned with pain.

"Oh, bugger! Get off me, you're heavy!"

"Don't touch me, old man! My body is reserved for my Yugimuffin and my pharaoh, only!" Tea said angrily.

"Hey Tea, what about me?" Duke Devlin pointed at himself with a hopeful look on his face.

"Hummanahummanahummana…oh…sorry, Duke. You _know _you'll _always_ be the owner of my body. Provided it's not already owned by the Pharaoh!" Tea winked. But then again, as if we'd be able to tell in the dark…

"Hey! No fair! What about _me_, Tea? You _know _I've been in love with you for _years_!" Yugi complained.

"Sorry, Yugi, but I can't contemplate giving birth to baby pandas!"

"Attention, duelists!" an all-too-familiar voice came out of nowhere, echoing from above. "My Hair has the power to control the lighting in this conspicuous building!"

"Oh, great…_this guy_…" Kaiba mumbled.

"But why in the hell did you turn off the lights while we were going to our final destination, nyeh? Not that there were any lights in this place to begin with," Joey said.

"It was not me. 4Kids Entertainment has run out of patience, and have therefore instructed me to suspend this show's funding, indefinitely!" Hair Guy retorted.

"God, what is _with_ you? Seriously!" Yugi complained to their tormentor. "First you pretended to be working for Kaiba, but then you switched over to Pegasus. _Then _you work for Kaiba again, before going over to the Big Five, and _now _you're working for 4Kids! Are you having some kind of mid-life crisis or something?"

"NO!" the Hair Guy said resolutely. "I just need a job, that's all! Plus I haven't been in any episodes for what seems like forever, so I need something to do!"

Kaiba spoke up. "Technically, you're _not _employed, seeing as 4Kids is not a business entity, but in fact rather an evil cult. So therefore, you _don't _have a job. In other words, soon you won't have money…And _everybody _knows that I don't like people who don't have money."

The Hair Guy gulped at the thought of not being able to purchase any more of his Super Special Awesome hair gel. "Then, may I please work under you, Mr. Kaiba?"

Kaiba looked away and muttered. "Whatever. Kthxbye."

"Attention, duelists! My Hair has _the power_!" Hair Guy proclaimed triumphantly, and then the lights were restored.

"Ack! _Finally,_ we got the light back on!" Marik sighed. "Let's keep going!"

"Y'know, guys, despite the fact that we've exchanged roughly two minutes of dialogue after we decided to continue down this god-forsaken staircase, the camera hasn't even panned in to one of our faces. It's just stayed on the damn staircase! How important could it be? I want my screen time, dammit!" Yugi shouted.

"Foolish fool!" Marik exclaimed. "What do you expect of 4Kids? They'll pull _any _stunt to raise more revenue, or censor things which are completely acceptable in Japanese standards! They even gave the Dark Magician Girl a skirt extension with the poorest of color co-ordination in her debut appearance, for *EFF!*'s sake!"

"You're just jealous cos' you'll never be able to get lucky with a girl like that," Joey grinned.

"Joey, you _do _realize that Skankitty Slut Slut is going to make you her sex slave like a dominatrix, right? In other words, you're _not _going to be the 'man' of the relationship," Tea told him.

"Nyeh, who cares? Just so long as I have _some _room to breathe in the face of all the action…if you know what I mean," Joey giggled.

"…I don't get it!" Tristan threw his hands up in the air.

* * *

><p><strong>(Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…)<strong>

"Finally! We've reached the place where we were meant to be, approximately four hours ago!" Yugi noted.

"Oh, would you look at _that_ lucky guy?" Duke grinned as they lay eyes on the statue. "I wish _I _had a disco stick shaped like that. The fun and endless possibilities that would bring…"

"That's the resting place of the Millennium Scale, you *EFF!*ing moron!" Marik scolded him.

"Oooh…" Duke said in realization. "Still, it looks very sexy…_Very sexy_…"

"Come forth with the Millennium items, Yugi," Ishizu beckoned to him after ascending the steps. Yugi did as he was told, unzipping his bag of shiny bling bling…I mean, the Millennium Items…

"Oh, my _God_! B_est. Episode. Ever!_" Duke breathed in and out after he saw Ishizu kneeling with her hands laid against her sleeves, exposing much of her upper chest and neckline.

"Now, Yugi, you must place the Millennium Items in their respective places. It shouldn't be too hard, if you're a big tetris fan. After that, the Eye will judge whether or not you are worthy of this final test," Ishizu went on.

'_I see you…'_ the eye seemed to whisper loudly towards them.

"Nyeeeeehhh…it's The Eye of Sauron! Run away!" Joey cried.

"Joey, for the first time in your life, you've made me wonder if you're possibly even stupider than Tristan," Tea complained.

"Bring forth the Millennium Items…Yugi," Ishizu looked down at him. Out of nowhere, the dramatic music in the scene from The Fellowship of the Ring, where Frodo placed the One Ring on the stone pedestal in Rivendell started playing.

"Nrrrgh…" Yugi grunted, not wanting to part with his chick magnet. He remembered the day when he finally solved the Millennium Puzzle. It was a gruelling ordeal to him, despite the fact that the pieces were fairly large-sized, thus rendering it an easier puzzle which would probably be on par with a 20-piece standard Disney puzzle. Oh wait…the forbidden word…My bad, dear reader…

'_Please, Puzzle…grant my wish,' _Yugi begged the inanimate object in his flashback of the not-too-distant past. An epileptic flashing light then ensued. _'And my wish __**did **__come true. The day I finally reached puberty…I think…_'

He turned around to see his friends looking dumbly at him, especially Tea, whose eyes were bigger than peaches. As Yugi finally placed his Millennium Puzzle into its place, his friends gasped at the blinding light. The Eye was upon the mini-man who was standing before it, as the dramatic music from the Black Gate scene in The Return of the King started playing in the background.

"Nyeh? What the hell's going on?" Joey asked. "Are some nazguls gonna crash through the walls and attack us or something? Why's the light flashing, anyway?"

"Because shut up," Ishizu said. "The Eye is now searching for the soul that lies within Yugi. Just give it a minute – it still runs on Windows 2000." Some time passed before she spoke again. "Behold! The true nature of Yugi's soul has been revealed!"

Just then, Yugi's body seemed to split into two – and that's something that none of us could have seen coming on this show. Well, maybe except for that one episode where 'Ghost Kaiba' was in fact revealed to be a gay clown. But then again, a body imploding from within doesn't exactly count as 'splitting' now, does it?

"Nyeh? What the hell?" Joey raised an eyebrow as he saw what unfolded before his eyes.

"Oh, good! Now there's _two _of them to clean my bedpan! Oh, wait…" Grandpa sighed.

"_Bulbasaur_!" Mokuba gasped. Kaiba, on the other hand, remained silent in an attempt to hide his suddenly bulging boner.

"Pharaoh…" Tea whispered, then sank into thought. _'Oh, __**great**__. Now who am I supposed to do? I guess a threesome is the only way to go…"_

"I'm so excited I could punch someone and break their neck!" Tristan gripped his fists.

'_F**k you, Yugi…leaving me with __**Kuriboh **__in my deck, you bastard,' _Yami cursed inwardly as he spun around after he and Yugi had taken their places.

'_There weren't that many good cards to begin with! What do you want me to do?' _Yugi also complained in his mind. _'I'm having second thoughts now of Kaiba's briefcase of doom. Hyah!' _he thought as he swiped his deck into his duel disk in unnecessarily overdramatic fashion.

"Since we never even do anything like playing rock-paper-scissors like they do in Yu-Gi-Oh video games, I'll start this duel without any objection from you, Yugi!" Yami declared. "I discard one card from my hand to summon the Gay Clown of Question Marks!"

"Pharaoh, pardon me for taking notice of this only now, but…why are your eyebrows always in a tense, frowning position, even when you're smiling? Does it _hurt _to do that with your eyebrows?" Yugi asked.

"Yugi, the animators drew me like this, okay? Just be thankful that the rest of you aren't cursed with this eternally tense and dramatic expression!" Yami grimaced.

Tea then added something else. "Y'know, guys, I always wondered how exactly the pharaoh took control during every single duel that Yugi got himself into up to this point in time, considering that there's only one set of clothes that they both wear. I mean, by all logic, seeing as Yami's about a head taller than Yugi, shouldn't his clothes rip off every time he takes over, revealing those sexy abs of his?"

"Maybe Yugi's uniform is the super-stretchy type!" Tristan remarked.

"Now that I think of it, that's quite gross!" Tea winced. "Considering they're wearing the same clothes and all. That must also mean that they're sharing the same underwear!"

"Nyeh!" Joey winced. "I should stay away from Yugi from now on, otherwise I might contract an STI!"

"Joey, you don't exactly catch an STI from standing around somebody," Tea informed him.

"I still ain't takin' a chance! Dyeeeeeehhh…"

Moments later, in typical LittleKuriboh fashion of skipping several critical parts of the duel, Yami decided to activate a spell card which would obviously be banned in real life. "I activate…_Rebellion_! It will cause your green gadget to attack you directly!"

"I activate the XBOX robot card! It shields me from my gadget's attack!" Yugi cried out, and a giant robot shimmered in behind him.

"Okay now, what the f**k's with this deck of yours, Yugi?" Yami complained. "Who do you think you are – Bandit Keith?"

"In America!" a small Bandit Keith icon popped up in the lower-right corner of the YouTube screen, then disappeared just as fast as it came out.

"With this new deck I constructed, the pharaoh will _never _figure out my strategy…In America!" Yugi smirked inwardly. "God, I'm starting to understand why Bandit Keith says it so much – it's addictively fun!"

Yugi then continued on. "I summon Red Gadget and Yellow Gadget to the field!"

"It's going to take more than some cheap American robots to win this duel, Yugi," Yami pouted.

"Now, gadgets! Join my XBOX robot! Combine to form…_Megatron_!" Yugi ordered. The Transformers anime theme song started to play in the background as the gadgets attached themselves – legs pointed outwards, I must add…_Very _eerie… - to the XBOX robot. "Attack!"

"Not so fast, baby panda!" Yami smiled.

"What?"

"I activate 'The Cheating Eye'! It allows me to commit even _more _dastardly deeds of cheating, by transferring the effects of your own Swords of Revealing Light to _your _monster!" Yami said. "Now, I activate my magic card, 'Gay Clowns' Gathering'! This allows me to summon as many gay clowns as you have monsters on the field!"

The gay clown split into _four _gay clowns. Never before have any of the people present seen so many gay clowns in one place, at one time.

"I'm taking this duel to the next level, Yugi!" Yami swiped his hand.

"No f***ing way!" Yugi panicked.

"Imusthidemyboner Imusthidemyboner Imusthidemyboner," Kaiba said very quickly to himself.

"I sacrifice three of my gay clowns, so that I can summon…_Obelisk the Tormentor_!" Yami shouted as the great beast revealed itself behind him.

"Screwed, he must be. Hope, there is not," Grandpa mumbled as Tea gasped.

"Tristan, you ready for this?" Joey asked.

"Ready as ever, Joey!" Tristan answered.

"Obelisk, attack! Destroy Megatron with your Fist of Fate!" Yami pointed straight forward.

"Tooooormeeeeent!" Joey and Tristan said in unison as Obelisk punched through Megatron's chest. A squishy fluff doll sound resounded as the three gadgets fell onto the ground.

"Just give up, Yugi. You're nothing without me. _Nothing_, I tell you!" Yugi proclaimed, but then he gasped as Yugi rose to his feet.

"Look, guys! Yugi's back on his feet again! It's just like that scene from The Last Samurai, where Tom Cruise is getting the crap beaten out of him by that Japanese guy!" Mokuba said.

"Shut up, Mokuba," everyone else said in unison.

"Why the hell is Yugi smiling?" Duke asked.

"Maybe his hormones are finally getting to him!" Bakura had a guess.

"…who the hell said _you _could hang out with us in the first place?" Joey said in exasperation.

"But why is he smiling?" Tea asked.

"Hell if I know, I wasn't even paying attention!" Joey retorted. "But it _may _have something to do with him using his _own _deck for once!"

* * *

><p><strong>(Meanwhile, deep below the ocean's surface…)<strong>

"Did y'all hear that?" normal hair-color Dartz said. "Yugi Muto is using his own d?ck for once!"

"Erm, boss, what did you just say?" Alister asked, grovelling before his master.

"I said he's using his own d?ck for once! Do any of you *EFF!*ing listen to me while I'm talking?" Dartz complained as his hair changed purple.

"Umm…yes, we do, boss, but, erm…" Valon said nervously. "We can't quite make out what you're saying…"

Dartz's hair then turned black. "Never mind that! Yugi Muto's using his d?ck to deoo the pharaoh in a final battle! I've never seen such great, powerful and massive d?cks in my whole life! I wanna get my hands on those d?cks, and _you're _gonna get me their d?cks, Rafael!"

"Bluaaaargh!" Rafael threw up.

* * *

><p><strong>(Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…)<strong>

"Time for me to get things rolling again! …Right after I adjust my pants, which are falling down!" Yugi said. "Okay! I place three cards face down, then I summon my Naruto midget to the field!"

"Yeah! That's how we kicked Bakura's butt!" Joey smiled. Tristan and Bakura looked at him in confusion. "Eeh…y'know, the evil one."

"I can't tell the difference!" Tristan said.

"Despite the fact that every time someone declares an attack on this show, a trap card that completely screws them over is activated, I'm going to defy common sense and attack anyway!" Yami shouted. "May the For-I mean, umm…the Heart of the Cards be with you, Yugi."

"And also with you, pharaoh," Yugi answered.

"Where are we – a church or something?" Kaiba complained.

"Obelisk! Attack! Fist of Fury!" Yami bellowed.

"I reveal my trap: Zorc's Climax!" Yugi shouted, revealing a trap card which looked like Zorc got his lower body trapped in the ground and was trying to free himself by unleashing the wrath of his dragon-head willy. "And now, I activate Time Jump, which conveniently goes hand in hand with the number of turns in which I can't attack due to the effects of my Swords of Revealing Light! Now we skip forward three turns for no adequately explained reason! And my Naruto midget's strength is increased to 2500!"

"Whatever – your cheap ripoff of a Square Enix character is still going down, Yugi!" Yami dismissed his strategy.

"Not quite! Even more conveniently, Zorc's Climax somehow is able to cause soil erosion right underneath Obelisk, bringing its attack points down to 2500!" Yugi smiled.

"Man, the writers _really _need to learn how to make things less predictable on this show!" Yami spoke.

"…and to think that I worked up a massive boner for this bulls**t…" Kaiba groaned.

"Not quite!" Yami smiled, drawing Kaiba's attention. "I play yet another card that would be banned under normal conditions. Behold! I play the Clock of Doom! It allows me to pull off this bulls**t. Just you see! I sacrifice my gay clown and my trap card to summon my three knights to the field!" He then smirked. "One left…so I summon Slifer, the Executive Producer!"

"What the *EFF!*?" Marik gasped.

"My pants can't take any more of this!" Kaiba crossed his arms like a ninja.

"If you think _that's _unbelievable, then take a look at _this_!" Yami continued. "I sacrifice my three knights to summon…_Mega Ultra Chicken_!"

"Is he…" Kaiba said, wide-eyed.

"The *EFF!*, he is!" Marik confirmed.

"Arise, chicken…arise!" Yami recited the unceremoniously shortened version of the chant. The great beast then emerged from its golden egg, letting out an almighty cry.

"Bugaaaaawk!"

"Holy **** on a **** sandwich!" all the spectators said in unison.

"Check it out, Yugi – I'm glowing bright gold! The writers and animators of this show never cease to amaze me with their obsession for unnecessary dramatization!" Yami said proudly, his three Egyptian gods towering behind him.

**(End of Chapter 2)**

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I'll get to writing the next chapter as soon as I've got free time left over after doing my uni work. Keep an eye out for it, and please leave your reviews! : )


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **This chapter is based on Yu-Gi-Oh episode 222.

* * *

><p><strong>(Opening Crawl)<strong>

Yami (to the tune of 'SexyBack'): I'm bringing card games back…Them other duelists don't know how to act!

* * *

><p>"Fuuuuuu**…" Barely minutes into the rather unnecessarily over-dramatized duel, Yugi was staring wide-mouthed at the face of defeat. Well, to be more precise, at the faces of the three Egyptian gods.<p>

"Behold! I have conveniently summoned all three Egyptian gods, using cards which would most definitely be banned in real life!" Yami exclaimed.

"Just how many times are people on this show gonna summon so many monsters at the same time? This is getting ridiculous," Kaiba muttered.

"Yes, I summoned them all in what could quite possibly be considered to be at the same time. So? Oh, I get where you're going. Now it's _my_ turn, isn't it? Ok then, let me get it right," Yami said, clearing his throat before making a bellowing cry. "_Screw the rules, I have tri-colored_ hair!"

"…_I didn't see that one coming…I wonder just how much drugs __**he**__ has_…" Seto thought.

* * *

><p><strong>(Opening title sequence)<strong>

Kawaita~~ sekebi ga~~

Todoke~, fly at higher ga~~~~~me~~

* * *

><p>"What's happening? What are these three monsters who desperately need a dental plan doing? Am I dead? Is this all a nightmare?" Grandpa murmured.<p>

"No, gramps. But I soon might be," Yugi answered off-screen.

"You're _pathetic_, Yugi," Kaiba dismissed him. "This just proves how hopeless you are as a duelist in your own right. It also shows just how dependent you were on umm…err…" he stumbled as he looked at Yami. "Just who the hell _are _you, exactly?"

"Kaiba, did your experiences in the last dozen episodes or so just vanish without a single trace?" Yugi asked.

"Bah. F**k this, I'm outta here," Kaiba grumbled, turning around.

"Hey! Get back here, nyeh! The duel ain't over yet!" Joey demanded, clenching his fist.

After a brief pause, Kaiba spun around dramatically, the classic Miles Edgeworth-style outcry of '_objection!'_ from the Phoenix Wright series playing as he pointed his finger at them.

"Nyeh!" Joey and Tristan both flinched.

"I rest my case," Kaiba sighed.

"_What _case? We ain't even in a courtroom anymore! We haven't been in a courtroom since the episode, Joey Wheeler: Ace Attorney!" Joey argued. "Yugi can still win this!...I think…or so I thought…or so I thought that I thought…Marik, help me out here!" he turned around.

"Well, individually they may have drawbacks, but together, they'll most definitely *EFF!* anybody up, period!" Marik worried.

"Only _fate _can decide the outcome of this duel," Ishizu said, drawing everyone's attention. "If Yugi cannot win here, the pharaoh will be stuck in this world for another 5000 years!"

"Ohh, baby…just show me more of your sexy body," Duke looked temptingly at Ishizu, whose choice of clothing still left a good portion of her upper chest and shoulder clearly visible.

"Another 5000 years? That's _awesome_!" Tea exclaimed. "The sheer number of children he and I could have in that time…provided that the answer to immortality is discovered in the near future, that is."

"Come on, Mokuba. If I watch any more of this, my boner is going to burst through my pants," Kaiba growled. Mokuba promptly ran after him in the same way as the gay Treecko in a certain video on YouTube which currently has over one million views.

"Coming, bro!" Mokuba panted.

"Shut up, Mokuba," Kaiba said, before something else caught his mind. "Hey, 'pharaoh'…if you're really gonna be stuck here for a few more years, then why not have that rematch with me? I'm still very pissed off about all those losses."

"God, what's wrong with you, Kaiba? Normal people are usually obsessed over things such as money, or…or…" Yugi complained.

"Sex?" Duke added.

"Yeah, whatever!" Yugi went on. "But seriously, what's with this obsession of yours to beat either me or the pharaoh at a card game? It's almost as weird and creepy as those strange people who have fetishes regarding the _foot_, over any and all other body parts! And besides, because of some terrible plot twists that are on par with some bad fanfics, you should definitely stay and see to it that the pharaoh _loses_!"

Everyone had a surprised expression on their faces as Yugi made that remark. Well, except for Yami. Remember how I mentioned that the animators gave him an eternal grimacing look on his face? Yeah, that's right…

"What? You can't be serious!" Kaiba barked.

"…In America!" the Bandit Keith icon popped up and down yet again. Seriously, someone needs to keep a fly-swat handy on this show…Oh, by the way, I wonder where Yugi's wrench has disappeared off to?

"Those Egyptian gods may look unbeatable, but I'm going to take them down. One by one!" Yugi declared solemnly, before making a side remark. "But I really wonder why the writers have to make us go through so many unnecessary moves, when they could've just given all of us the most dastardly of cards in all of Duel Monsters, like Raigeki and Harpie's Feather Duster! I mean, let's face it – _everyone_ puts _those _in their decks, if there's no limitation rules involved!"

"Wow. I wish Mai's breasts could be here to witness this truly exciting children's card game," Joey commented.

"Now that you mention it, Joey, there has indeed been a noticeable shortage of cleavage in the recent episodes. I wonder where they've all gone?" Tristan said.

"Ahem!" Tea cleared her throat.

"Joey, you do realize that there's an additional two pairs of fine assets present in this room, right? _Very _fine assets_…_" Duke snickered, his eyes darting lecherously between Tea and Ishizu.

"Hummanahummanahummana," both Tea and Ishizu exhaled in unison.

"Take your eyes off me, Duke!" Tristan snapped.

"Tristan, you are quite possibly the biggest imbecile I've ever seen in my life," Tea sighed. "Have you even noticed that Duke isn't even looking at you?"

"What's an imbecile, Joey?" Tristan held his finger to his chin.

Tea simply slumped her shoulders.

Minutes later, neither Yugi nor Yami made a single move, as they wanted to build up so much more tension within the scene. Yeah, that happens a lot on this show.

"Yugi, I see that you've wet your pants. What is up with that?" Yami commented as Yugi's hand was still in a drawing position.

"Now that I think of it, pharaoh, for the first time since my constant transfiguration, I am…_tired _of this slaughter. I mean, umm…card games." Yugi said.

"You can't _mean _that, Yug! Remember what our short and rather unnecessary journey with Gary taught us? Without card games, none of us will _ever _be happy!" Joey cried.

"I'm sorry, Joey, but I _really _feel as if I need a break! I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel…_thin_. Sort of stretched, like…_butter _scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect that I will return. In fact I mean _not to_."

"…You do realize that the _pharaoh _is the one who's actually going to be sent on anything that resembles a 'holiday' in the bleakest sense, if he loses this duel, right?" Marik said.

"You're out of your _mind_, Yugi Muto!" Tea cried. "Without us, this series will be set on the path to endless self-degradation with cheap, lame spinoff series! I can't believe you're just gonna walk out on everyone like this!"

"I can't believe he's not butter!" Tristan exclaimed.

"You _have _to go on, Yugi. The writers demand it!" Yami reminded him. "And as a side note, they added a whole bunch of crappy friendship speeches in my script, which should obviously be given to Tea!"

"Hey, what the hell's up with this sudden split screen?" Yugi shuddered.

"I don't know, but it's making me feel like Two-Face!" Yami said. "Y'know, that 'Harvey Dent' guy who got horrifically burnt in The Dark Knight in that scene with the explosion, while Christian Bale escaped completely unharmed."

"But wow, look at that! My eye is literally twice the size of yours!" Yugi blurted, surprised at the sheer size of his eyeballs as opposed to the pharaoh's: a comparison which could quite possibly be similar to Tristan and the Hair Guy's hair.

"Yes, it is," Yami grudgingly accepted.

'_That was just the pep-talk I needed!...I think,' _Yugi smiled as he thought inwardly.

"Yugi, it's your move," Yami yawned.

"Oh, right! Don't mind if I _do_!" Yugi again unnecessarily dramatized his draw. In the actual episode, nine minutes of the video had passed, and in that space of time, two moves had taken place. Two. Frigging _two _moves. How is that even possible?

"Sweet," Joey smiled as Tea continued on with the sudden one-word game that had somehow started.

"As."

"Do you grandpa proud, Yugi!" Grandpa spoiled the game with his stupidity.

"Eeh, you're supposed to add one word per turn in this game, gramps," Joey told him.

"I don't know what this game is!" Grandpa complained. "You kids these days and your word games, and your 3D cinemas, and your Dolby Digital 5.1 surround sound, and your Steve Jobs, and your teenage pregnancies, and your plastic surgeries, and your Brooklyn Rages, and your GPS'ses, and your multi-purpose humanoid androids, and your-"

"That's enough, grandpa. It's still my turn!" Yugi cut him off. "My Naruto man's attack points now go up to 3000! Next, I'll send my three magnet warriors to the graveyard, so I can summon Valkyrion the Magnet Warrior!"

"Why the f**k are his wings _pink, _for Ra's sake?" Yami asked. "That's quite gay."

"I say, chaps, I do rather fancy those wings of his," Bakura ogled Valkyrion.

"Shut up, Bakura," Joey glared at him.

"Shut up, kitty," Marik dimly said.

"Despite the fact that you placed two trap cards on the field which would obviously lead to a backfire on my part, I'm going to attack you anyway!" Yami declared. "Go, Slifer and Mega Ultra Chicken! Executive produce the crap out of his monsters!"

"Holy craaap!" Yugi cried as he 'blocked' the incoming wave of flames with his arms like some sort of Dragonball-Z character. Everyone else braced themselves as well, except for Ishizu and Odion, who were apparently immune to the shock force.

"Wow! I've never had such an experience before! Never have I been taken aback by such force!" Marik panted after the attack subsided.

"I sure did, once. She didn't wake up until 3 o'clock the next afternoon, after the one night we spent together. It was hot," Duke reminisced back to a day in the past.

"Duke, get your damn hand out of my ass-pocket," Joey complained.

"Sorry. My hands take care of themselves…and the sexy ladies they come into contact with," Duke apologized.

"It's time to end this duel Yugi!" Yami said. "Obelisk! Fist of Fate!"

Obelisk lurched forward with a downward thrust of his fist. Tea winced. "Oh, no! Future husband number one is in mortal danger!"

"I wet myself!" Grandpa gasped.

Suddenly, Valkyrion appeared right in front of Obelisk's fist, stopping him in his tracks. "Valkyrion? What the f**k?" Yami stood back. The Naruto man also appeared beside Valkyrion.

"Remember the trap card I last played?" Yugi smiled.

"Yugi, you _just played _that card. How the f**k am I supposed to 'remember' something like that?" Yami complained.

"Oh well, screw that, then. Anyway, it allows me to bring back all of the monsters I lost in battle this turn, for 1000 life points!" Yugi grinned.

"Then why the hell did you need to place your monsters both in attack position? What did you gain from it?" Yami asked. "Not to mention the fact that you've lost even more life points than necessary."

"It further entices the opponent to attack when monsters are played in attack mode! You should know that, pharaoh!" Yugi explained.

"Yugi, attack mode or defense mode, it doesn't matter – they were going to be destroyed, anyway. That kind of assumption is almost on par with Tristan, in terms of stupidity."

"Hey! Stop being so mean, you jerk!" Tristan yelled.

"Tristan, just be grateful that you're nowhere near as dumb as Jack Atlas!" Yami shot back.

* * *

><p><strong>(Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…<strong>)

Jack Atlas was once again engaged in an epic round of Card Games on Motorcycles. His opponent, an apparent big-shot in his own right, was riding his motorcycle on the other side of the arena.

Jack decided to test out his microphone. "Testing, testing, one, two, threeeeeeee-!"

The entire world promptly blew up. Zorc simply stood by, looking in awe.

* * *

><p>"It looks like I have no choice but to end my turn Yugi," Yami pouted.<p>

"Phew!" Yugi sighed.

"I'm so relieved! Relieved, in more ways than one!" Tristan slumped his body.

Tea sniffed about. "What the hell is that smell? Oh, for the love of crap!"

"How 'bout you? Please tell me you've held on, gramps!" Joey looked over his shoulder.

"I'm afraid I've had the same problem!" Grandpa clenched his fists in a futile attempt to hold back his bladder. "Whoa, nelly! I think I'm going to have a heart-attack! Finally, the day has arrived!" he exhaled, holding his hand over his chest.

"_Aah! My breasts are tingling with uncontrollable pain!"_ Tea thought as she winced and held her hand over her bosom, before gasping suddenly. "Holy crap! I_'ve missed my period! It was supposed to be today! …__**And **__I was actually supporting Yugi instead of the pharaoh!"_

"Hey, bro! It looks like Yugi's holding his own against those Egyptian gods!" Mokuba said to Seto.

"Please, Mokuba. Stalling for time is a classic, recurring event in any Yu-Gi-Oh game. Yugi's still gonna get his ass kicked. Just you wait and see," Kaiba puffed.

"I feel as if Yugi is going to turn things around in the next turn," Ishizu predicted.

"Huh? Have you been playing with that necklace of yours again, Ishizu?" Marik looked at her, dumbfounded.

"I haven't had a vision for years. Let's just call this a strong hunch," Ishizu smiled.

"Hold on a minute. Then what the hell was all that bulls**t about in the Battle City tournament? You know – me giving back Obelisk to you when I clearly didn't want to is a clear example. Not to mention that you've been predicting the future during the entire time that you were on the blimp. Are you telling me that that never happened? Why are you trying to confuse the crap out of us?" Kaiba questioned her.

"Because shut up. I am now officially smiling, for no apparent reason!" Ishizu suddenly started acting like a deranged lunatic. "It is all clear to me now – Yugi and the pharaoh are equals in every way, and were brought together because they reflected opposite sides of the same soul!"

"What do you mean by that, sister?" Marik asked.

"Each of them have a quality which the other needs. Yugi needs the pharaoh's extra inches in height, and the pharaoh needed Yugi's erm…uhh…" Ishizu murmured. "What _does _he need from Yugi, anyway?"

"Isn't it obvious? I need his _leather shoes_! _They _are the true source of my power!" Yami smiled.

The shoes suddenly came back to Marik's mind as he posed a question to Yami. "Before you go, pharaoh, can I have your leather shoes…and your leather pants?"

"No."

"Dammit!"

"My move!" Yugi drew a card. Need I say _how _he drew it?

"Yugi, seriously, cut it out with the dramatic card draws. It's _really _pissing off now," Yami told him.

"Naaah. It's quite awesome, if you tell me!" Joey retorted.

"I sacrifice my Valkyrion the Magnet Warrior to bring back my three separate Magnet Warriors!" Yugi shouted. Then, three glowing balls – rather conspicuously reminiscent of Dragon Balls – dropped down from the ceiling, and the three magnets materialized in front of Yugi.

"All up in this bitch…" Ghost Nappa suddenly appeared behind Yugi.

"Just what in the hell are _you _doing here, Nappa?" Yugi asked.

"I was following those damn Dragon Balls. I was going to gather then all and then make a wish to Shenron!" Nappa explained.

"What – so that Dragonball Abridged actually becomes a half-decent show?" Kaiba mocked.

"Ooooh, Kaiba got you _good_, buddy!" Joey chuckled.

"Piss off, Nappa! _Mind Crush! In Dolby 5.1 Digital Surround Sound_!" Yami thrust out his hand.

"Aah, f**k you lot, I'm outta here," Nappa promptly disappeared before the Mind Crush could get to him.

"Go, Slifer! Attack all of his monsters now! Executive producer's wrath!" Yami pointed forward, and Slifer launched three shots at the magnet warriors.

"I activate Magnet Force!" Yugi said in his annoying voice. "Whenever a rock or machine monster on my side of the field is targeted by an effect, that effect is transferred to all of _your _monsters!"

"Urrrgh!" Yami grunted. "Oh, for f**k's sake, Obelisk! I might as well use _Kuriboh _instead of you, now! Some 'god' you are!" he complained, as Obelisk's attack strength now decreased to a measly 500.

"Now I've _soiled _myself! I think I'm going to die! Hooray!" Grandpa cheered, gripping his fists again in constipation.

"Despite the fact that I know your face-down trap card is Mirror Force, I'm going to attack you anyway!" Yugi said. "Naruto man! Attack Obelisk!"

"The hell you're right, Yugi! I activate Mirror Force!" Yami blurted, and soon all of Yugi's monsters were destroyed. "The f**k did you do that for, anyway, if you knew about Mirror Force?"

"That's because it's _all in the plan_, pharaoh. You're going down!" Yugi grinned with a heap of anime shadow covering his eyes.

"Who the hell do you think you are? The Joker?" Kaiba grunted.

* * *

><p><strong>(Post-ending)<strong>

Narrator's voice: We're back, with more of Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged: the vagina monologues!

(In the first appearance of the Paradox Brothers)

Para: We are the brothers vagina!

Dox: And we love wearing women's vagina!

Para: We are villains who like vaginas.

Dox: In fact, we do vaginas all the time!

Para: You may think it's rather vagina...

Dox: But you can stick your cards right up your ass!

Para: ...You were supposed to say 'vagina', brother! I thought we rehearsed this!

**(End of Chapter 3)**

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I was really surprised at the fact that I finished this chapter in about one and a half hours, simultaneously watching episode 222. The next chapter will probably be up next week, so please keep an eye out for it.

This chapter is indeed shorter than the others, but it's because I'm getting more used to abridging. After all, abridging = shortening whilst retaining the basic plot.

Please leave your reviews! : )


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** This chapter puts episodes 223 and 224 together.

* * *

><p><strong>(Opening Crawl)<strong>

Yami: We're finally finished? You're just f**king around with me, right?

* * *

><p>"Yugi, if you don't hurry up and make your move <em>now<em>, I'm going to lose this massive boner of mine. And if it is indeed lost, then you'll all suffer the wrath of my limitless ego. _Then _you'll be sorry…" Kaiba warned.

"Can't he use some sort of card combination to destroy those Egyptian gods, Seto?" Mokuba asked.

"If Yugi was _not _a dumbass in the first place, then _yes_, Mokuba. But since he's so persistent on making things so unnecessarily complicated for himself, he's the kind of person who'd completely reject the simple idea of putting one copy of 'United We Stand' and 'Mage Power' in his deck like any other sane person," Kaiba explained.

"Are you *EFF!*ing messing around with our brains, pharaoh?" Marik questioned Yami. "Obelisk has only 500 measly attack points, and Slifer has only 2000! You're quite possibly the worst duelist I've ever seen!"

"Shut up, Marik!" Yami grunted.

* * *

><p><strong>(Opening title sequence)<strong>

Kawaita~~ sekebi ga~~

Todoke~ Fly at higher ga~~~~me~~

* * *

><p>"Now, I bring back Valkyrion from the graveyard with this card that I can't be bothered identifying!" Yugi shouted. "Now Slifer's second-mouth ability activates, destroying Obelisk due to the effects of my trap card!"<p>

"Son of a!" Yami growled. "He's gone! Just like that! Some 'god' _he _is!"

"Well, what did you expect? He had a measly _500 _attack points, pharaoh! Hell, he was like a bigger version of Kuriboh!" Yugi mocked. "Now, I separate my Valkyrion into its three midget components, forcing Slifer to attack all of them! And I guess you know what _that _means, don't you, pharaoh?"

"…I don't care…" Yami pouted.

"Isn't that supposed to be _my _line?" Bakura asked.

"Urrrgh!" Yami concealed himself from the massive gust produced by the destruction of Slifer and Mega Ultra Chicken.

"What a digital dummy!" Mokuba gasped.

"Kaiba to talking collar. I'll be needing a new pair of pants soon," Kaiba said.

"Ja, mein Führer. Ze pants will be arriving to you in ze next business day. Vich means zat seeing as today ist a Friday, it vill reach you in three days," Gruber the security agent responded through the telecom device.

"…Can't you just send them to me immediately?"

"Nein, mein Führer! It ist impossible! Heil Kaiba!" Gruber said again, then the line was terminated.

"Hrrngh…" Kaiba growled.

"He did it, he did it, he's better than the pharaoh!" Bakura and Grandpa sang together…spinning around while holding hands.

"You were saying about being 'just British', Bakura?" Tea remarked.

"That's amazing…perhaps he _is _the King of Games, after all!" Kaiba conceded reluctantly.

"What are you saying, bro?" Mokuba looked up at him.

"It takes a hell of a duelist to defeat all three Egyptian god cards in the same turn. I rest my case."

"Huh?" Yugi looked at him confusedly.

"Nyeeeh! Did I hear that right?" Joey jerked his head back.

"I just sh*t my pants!" Tristan lurched over with his hands spread out.

"I said _screw the rules, I have money_!" Kaiba quickly retorted.

"Oops, false alarm," Joey sighed.

"Now, I summon Beat of Gilfer in defense mode, play a face-down card, and end my turn," Yami said.

"Yami's lost it! He's just played a monster that's bound to be destroyed by the Buster Blader, which Yugi has summoned off-screen!" Joey claimed.

"Wheeler, are you either blind, or can't you see that Yami's played a face-down card which is obviously a trap, and that the Beast of Gilfer is clearly an effect monster?" Kaiba exhaled.

"What a digital dummy!" Mokuba said.

"Shut up, Mokuba!" everyone said in unison.

* * *

><p><strong>(Caption: 'Obvious time skip')<strong>

* * *

><p>"Now, I summon…Swift Gaia the Fierce Knight!" Yami played the only card left in his hand.<p>

"Holy cow! How did you know it was coming to this?" Yugi asked him.

"Yugi, remember how you went back into that playroom of yours inside the Millennium Puzzle while I was constructing my deck? Well…I sort of used the Millennium Necklace for fun while you were away. So _suck on that_!" Yami smiled.

"Holy craaap!" Yugi grunted as his Buster Blader was destroyed by Gaia. "Oh, well. I activate Soul Rope, which allows me to summon one monster from my graveyard! And I choose Witch of the Black Forest!"

"Despite the fact that we probably encountered this monster in a previous episode, and that it is one of the most spammed cards in non-regulated matches, I have absolutely no idea why you just summoned that!" Yami said.

"Burn the witch!" Tristan held up his fist.

"The hell he play _that _card for?" Joey agreed.

"I'd hit that," Duke murmured.

"Now I sacrifice my bit-I mean, my witch, to summon Summoned Skull!" Yugi shouted.

"Yugi, making unnecessarily over-dramatic hand gestures with your hand while drawing cards is _one _thing. If you start making stupid alliterations like that one just now, you're going _down_, you got that?" Yami said. "Now I'm going to play a card in defense mode that I didn't even look at! That's just how awesome I am!"

Right then, a huge burst of energy emanated from in front of Yami, and out came…

…Big Shield Gardna…And to think that we were expecting a badass monster with high defense points, right?

"Holy **** on a **** sandwich! How did he do _that_?" Tristan gasped.

"He predicted what card it was going to be. How *EFF!*ing obvious could it possibly be?" Marik informed him.

"Nyeeeh, doesn't that qualify as cheating?" Joey asked.

"Not quite. You see, the card he drew was the Big Shield Gardna, simply because he _willed _it so," Ishizu explained.

"…That doesn't really rebut my statement…" Joey told her.

"Very well. I shall fully explain your query in detail," Ishizu said. "Because shut up."

"I summon Curse of Dragon! Next, I'll attack Big Shield Gardna with Summoned Skull!" Yugi declared his attack.

"Don't do it, baby panda! Summoned Skull is too weak to destroy that monster!" Tristan begged.

"Tristan, this is why you'll _never _become a good duelist. You have the attention span and memory capability of a goldfish," Joey rebuked him.

"Go, Curse of Dragon! Destroy Big Shield Gardna!" Yugi continued his turn, and soon the opposing monster was destroyed.

"I can't watch anymore!" Tea whimpered, turning around.

"What's coming down with you, Tea? …besides your pants," Joey asked her as the lines of her ass were left clearly visible, even after the episode had undergone the cruel manipulation of 4Kids.

"If the pharaoh loses…then my child is going to grow up as an orphan!" Tea's eyes began to water. "I'm not ready to say goodbye to my future husband yet!"

"I know what'll fix this," Joey smiled, then said a single word to her. "_Friendship_."

"Oh, now I'm all better! Thanks, Joey!" Tea smiled back and turned her attention back to the duel.

'_God, the animators made me look like a total idiot in this shot. I mean, couldn't they have drawn my teeth and jaw a little bit better? Oh well, here goes…'_ Yami thought to himself, then played his next card. "I activate Dark Magic Curtain to bring forth my Dark Magician!"

"My king, I have traveled 5000 years through time and space to serve you in this duel," the Dark Magician said to Yami. "Oh, and by the way, a very special guest will be making an appearance to tie up all the loose plotlines at the end."

"Okay…not sure who you're talking about, there. Anything else?" Yami asked him.

"There _is _one other thing. Mana says she's bored…and then winked at me right after she said it. I have no idea what it means, but I thought you should know," the monster replied.

"Oh, great…" Yami sighed. "That girl and her sex drive…"

"…" Ishizu suddenly started trembling.

"What's wrong, Ishizu?" Marik asked.

"I don't know…just my hormones, I guess," Ishizu answered, then thought inwardly to herself. _'Dark Magician…your arrival right now has caused great unrest within me, despite the fact that it didn't even do so in Season 3. For what reason, I don't know. I just know that it's the writing staff's fault for making up the plot as they were going along, instead of deciding everything in the early development stages, like normal human beings would have done.'_

"Man! Yugi's up against his most powerful monster! We should have bought tickets for-"

"Shut up, Mokuba," everyone cut him off once again.

'_I am so nervous because of that one move, that I'm literally sweating! God, am I unfit!'_ Yugi thought.

"I activate Thousand Knives, destroying your face-down card!" Yami said. The evil Marshmallon with razor-sharp teeth was promptly destroyed.

"Dammit, that card's made me hungry!" Tristan moaned.

"I play my Lego-Man in defense mode, to protect my life points!" Yugi yelled as he played a cheap Lego-imitation monster.

"First you spammed machine monsters like Bandit Keith, then you played a Naruto midget, and now you're playing even more monsters which are reminiscent of children's play-things. What's next, Yugi? A gay clown of your very own?" Yami asked, before making his attack. "Go, Dark Magician! Attack his monster with your pointy lance thing!"

"I activate…this!" Yugi cried out. "I have no idea what it is, but it looks like some guy's throwing up. It lets me negate your attack, at the cost of half my life points!"

"…You _do _realize that you couldn't just put in another card like Magic Cylinder, Sakuretsu Armor, or Widespread Ruin in your deck, right? _God, _what is _with _the characters on this show and sheer, utter stupidity?" Yami commented.

"What a relieving outcome!" Tristan remarked as Joey sighed. "And by 'relieved', I mean that in _both _ways!"

"Hey, get your face out of the way, Joey. You're blocking the camera's view of my sexiness," Duke said to the furry who was right in front of him.

"I play this magic box card! I place one card inside it, and if you happen to activate or use the same card in this duel, its effect is negated!" Yugi announced.

"Holy crap! The eye is staring right at me!" Tea drew back in fear as the Eye of Sauron looked squarely at her.

"I summon Granadora the Badass Dragon!" Yugi called forth his monster. "Destroy Dark Magician with your epileptic laser beams!"

* * *

><p><strong>Caption: 'Ancient Egyptian laser beams ftw'<strong>

* * *

><p>"You just got <em>served<em>, bitch!" Yami mocked his opponent as he activated his trap card. "Dark Illusion! It lets me negate all of your monster effects for this turn…_and _destroys your dragon, as well. Now, I summon Dark Magician Girl to the field!"

"Hi there, hubby!" the 'DMILF' smiled extremely suggestively to Yami.

"Mana, there's a time and place for everything. That's just one way of saying, 'pay attention to the f**king duel at hand'!" Yami grunted. "Dark Magician, wipe out his life points, so that I no longer have to give up wearing my leather outfit!"

"Hoaaaaagh!" the Dark Magician started to swoop down at Yugi's monster like a ninja, while making a bellowing cry…again, like a ninja.

'_Apparently, if I spend ten seconds thinking to myself when my monster is about to be destroyed in less than two, yet play a trap card when by all logic it should be too late, then I'm going to be fine! Thank God for all the over-dramatized attacks in this series!' _Yugi thought, then activated his quick-play magic card. "I activate my spell card…Spell Textbook! And due to the power of the writing staff, it now lets me play _this_! Card of Sanctity! We draw five cards, and this will increase my Naruto mini-man's attack points to 3500, suddenly turning him into a damn sexy beast!"

"Hummanahummanahummana," Tea moaned.

"Your Dark Magician was about to attack, right? So you're going to lose this duel!" Yugi smiled.

"Not quite. I activate this little spell card of mine, which allows me to combine my magicians' attack, so that I don't lose this duel in disgraceful fashion!" Yami said.

"That's still not enough, pharaoh!" Yugi dismissed his strategy, as both magicians were promptly destroyed.

"You just destroyed the sexiest monster and greatest source of eye candy in the entire game without even a second thought! And I thought _Pegasus _had issues…" Kaiba complained at Yugi for destroying the Dark Magician Girl.

"You dragged this duel this far, Yugi, and for that, I am eternally grateful," Yami began to speak. "LOL jokes, it hate your guts, you small, pitiful little man. I activate Monster Reborn, to bring back…_Slifer, the Executive Producer!_"

"Nyehhh! Yugi's a goner now!" Joey winced.

"Slifer, stop rubbing your slimy tail all over my ass – it's _really _disturbing!" Yami pouted. "And stop breathing on me – it stinks like hell!"

Just then, the golden box with the Eye of Sauron began to glow uncontrollably, causing Yami to lurch forward to get a closer look. "What's this?"

"The card I hid inside the box was Monster Reborn! Now its effect is negated, sending Slifer back to the graveyard!"

"How did Yugi know what card to put in that box of his?" Joey asked.

"He must be a witch!" Tristan concluded.

"Yugi! Talk to me! What's wrong?" Tea cried out to him as he started to shake uncontrollably.

"Yugi! Don't tell me you've inherited my weak bladder! There's only _one _bedpan, and I don't plan on relinquishing ownership of it!" Grandpa shouted.

"Well, Yugi, seeing as it's still my move and I have four cards in my hand, I guess I'll-"

"Naruto giant, attack!" Yugi suddenly cut Yami off.

"What the f**k?" Yami's eyes shot up as a huge energy ball came directly towards him. After the attack made contact, Yami's life points dropped to zero. Attacking a guy with a monster that has 3500 attack points, while he only has 200 life points left…Going overboard a bit, much?

"I can't believe I just did that! Super Ordinary Bakura!" Yugi groaned as he fell to his knees and began to cry.

"Hey, that's going over the line a bit!" Bakura complained.

"Shut the hell up, limey-man!" Tristan barked.

"It's alright, Yugi. Don't cry," Yami crouched down and comforted him.

"I was so focused on the duel, that I forgot what it meant if I won! You'd think I'd be able to keep that sort of thing in mind after hitting puberty!" Yugi sobbed.

"Don't worry, Yugi. Don't you remember what I told you all those months and episodes ago?" Yami asked, as Yugi looked up at him. "You'll _always _have card games."

"You're…you're right, pharaoh! Card games are the source of all the world's happiness! I forgot about that!" Yugi beamed.

"I can't believe that you've neglected the most important quality of all, pharaoh! _Friendship_!" Tea butted in.

"Y'know, Tea, that's not that important, when compared to card games. Just make sure to keep the motorcycles out of it, and you'll all be just fine," Yami said to her. "Except for Tristan. Make sure he never plays Duel Monsters, otherwise the world will be in greater danger than ever before. Oh, and Dungeon Dice Monsters, as well."

"Oh, you guys are _all _idiots!" Duke complained.

"_I see you…"_ the freaky golden eye suddenly glowed crazily, making all of Yugi's friends gasp. Only Kaiba, Odion and Ishizu looked at the eye in stone-cold indifference.

"Long story short, eye shines brightly, pharaoh steps in front of it, eye turns into a magical door to another lifetime, pharaoh walks through portal, and portal closes after him," Ishizu said to them.

"…I don't get it!" Tristan shouted.

"Say your name, pharaoh, and the portal will open for you. And please, do make it soon – my exposed shoulder is getting quite cold, indeed," Ishizu went on.

"…want me to warm it up for you, baby? I don't even _need _hands for _this one_…" Duke grinned.

"My name is…Abem!" Yami said solemnly to the door, which didn't budge. "Oh, wait, let me try that again…My name is…Ahem! Dammit, this name is a _tongue-twister_! Okay, umm…"

* * *

><p><strong>(One hour later…)<strong>

"What is _with _the doors in this f**king series?" Yami growled. "Seriously, if you put all the doors that had ever caused us problems together, they'd be an even greater foe and adversary than all of the evil masterminds we've faced, combined!"

"Pharaoh, repeat after me," Yugi said to him, then spoke the words that Yami needed to say. "My name is Atem!"

"Okay, umm…My name is Ackem! S**t…My name is…_Atem_!" Yami blurted in anger, and the doors finally opened. "Finally! Geez!"

"Look! A portal to another dimension!" Tristan gasped. "…I wonder if there's food in there?"

"Tristan, it's the afterlife. There _is _no food," Joey told him.

"Pharaoh! Don't go! Not without going shopping with me for baby products!" Tea cried out after him as he decided to simply walk through the doors without saying any last words to them, like the inconsiderate and selfish bastard that he is.

"The light hurts my eyes, Joey! _Do something_," Tristan wailed.

"I can't believe you're really just going away, without naming our child, pharaoh! And I thought you would be the most kickass husband that ever existed!" Tea sobbed.

"Seriously, guys, stop that f**king light! I'm going to go blind, just like the girl I want to bang!" Tristan groaned again.

"Yami! Yami!" Tea sobbed uncontrollably at him. "Yami, please don't go! Oh, Yami…Where shall I go? Who will I-umm…I mean, _what _shall I do?"

Yami turned to face her and smiled like an asshole. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. Because I'm going into the afterlife, where all of my needs – physical and spiritual; _especially _physical – will be satisfied around the clock by the Dark Magician Girl! Erm, I mean _Mana_. Same thing, really. That girl's hormones are simply uncontrollable – even more so than _yours_!"

Yami then spun around and started to walk into the shining light while cockily giving everyone else a thumbs-up, when all of a sudden…

"Wait, Atem. You must not walk into that seizure-inducing light. At least not without…_knowledge of the future_," a metallic voice that was all-too-familiar to Kaiba suddenly emanated and echoed throughout the whole chamber.

"Oh, great…_you_…" Kaiba grumbled.

"Oh, come on, Kaiba. Can't you at least greet an old friend warmly?" the robot nudged him with one of his robotic arms.

"…"

"Just who are you? What are you doing here, anyway?" Yami asked.

"I am the cybernetic ghost of Christmas Past from the future! I am here to answer all of your questions regarding the future, since some ignorant woman decided to give up her Millennium Necklace!" the robot said.

"It is part of the ritual, you…robot…_being_," Ishizu defended her actions. "It is the only way the pharaoh can achieve his final rest."

"Yeah, but…I mean, giving up an item that allows you to see the future? You threw away something like _that_? Think of all the fun you'll miss out on!" the robot mumbled.

"Oh, she can have fun with _me_, any day," Duke pointed out.

"Look, can we just get on with this bulls**t already, or not?" Kaiba said in exasperation.

"Fine!" the robot gave a frustrated response, and the dramatic music of 'destiny' began playing in the background. "In a few years' time, when the Teletubbies' race will become totally extinct due to the phasing out of analog TV all across the globe, _you _will finally be united with your sizzling hot dragon girlfriend in a dark alleyway…by _destiny._ You will save her from a renegade group of Steves who have decided to vent their frustration by smashing up shop windows and stealing valuables, when by chance, they set upon her within the said alleyway."

"Huh…" Kaiba exhaled in surprise. "Are we going to have…you know…?"

"Yes and _no_, Kaiba. You will indeed engage in what most people, except for a certain idiot who is inside this room, will be able to identify as 'sex'. But remember – you have no reproductive capabilities whatsoever! Wink, wink!" the robot explained.

"Oh, f**k it," Kaiba grunted.

"Nyeeh, what about _me_?" Joey asked.

The robot looked around. "For the love of Christian Bale's movie career, do I _really _have to go through with every single one of you?"

"Well, yeah," Joey said.

"_Fine_! A few years after that, when the annual birth rate of Japan will plummet in coincidence with the release of the very first perfected female android, you will become betrothed to the one you affectionately refer to as 'Mai Breastintine', 'Boobylicious', and the like. You will become fixated upon her two levitating loads for years to come, occasionally requiring hospitalization from suffocation," the robot spoke, then murmuring a side note. "But really, your relationship is quite creepy. I mean, on the official Yu-Gi-Oh wikia page, your age is listed as 16, and hers as 24. She must be a Class-A paedophile to see anything in you."

"Nyeh. It's worth it," Joey concluded.

"What about me?" Tristan asked.

"You and your beloved Serenity will be in a relationship-"

"Booya! Score!" Tristan leapt happily.

"And then you will separate."

"Oh…" Tristan sighed.

"And then get together again-"

"Double score!" his face beamed up.

"And then separate again-"

"Aww…"

"Will you just let me finish, for Ra's sake?" the robot raged.

"Oh. Sorry."

"During the intervals where the two of you are separated, Serenity will become temporarily betrothed to Duke Devlin, and then reunited with you again. It is the only way for her to maintain her physical and spiritual needs."

"Duke Devlin will _always _be up for it, baby," Duke said.

"Oh, god dammit, Nappa! Why Duke? What about me? It isn't fair! And what do you mean by 'physical' means?" Tristan wailed.

"Man, am I glad you stopped me from letting Tristan know about sex, Tea," Joey sighed.

"…Did I ever mention that polygamy will be legalised in the upcoming years, should a certain political party led by an awkward woman who cannot locate America on the world map come to power?" the robot noted.

"Score! Tristan's still the boom king!" Tristan pumped his fist in the air.

"To make things even worse – or better, depending on how you see it – you will be…_a father_," the robot said dramatically.

"Oh my God! This is quite possibly the best day of my life!" Tristan held his face in awe.

"A _surrogate_ father."

"Huh?" Tristan said, feeling awkward. He then came to a fateful realization, as he first thought of Serenity, and then Duke. "Noooooooooooooo!"

"Just as a side note, _you're _going to have one of his children as well. I just thought I should notify you beforehand," the robot said to Ishizu, who simply stared at him in indifference.

"What about _me_, mister robot-man?" Marik questioned.

"The answer to all your life questions lies within a white-haired boy who is standing to the far left of the room," the robot said very quickly.

Marik instinctively looked to his left, to see none other than Bakura. "Oh, great. Well, at least_ that's_ out of the closet now," he rolled his eyes.

"Umm, what about me and my Yugimuffin?" Tea asked the robot.

"Ah, yes. I suppose you're wondering about your child, am I correct?" the robot tweaked his hand towards them.

Tea nodded. "Yes! Just how will I raise the pharaoh's child, with this baby panda?"

"Oh…alright then, I, erm…" the robot scratched his head. "Are you ready for this? I mean, it's going to be a plot twist that's on par with all the stuff about Kaiba not having a father."

"Let me guess – Ghost Nappa is the father?" Kaiba mockingly had a guess.

"How the f**k did you guess _that_, Kaiba?" the robot drew back in surprise. "Your powers of foresight aren't as crappy as I had thought!"

"Geez, now I feel so much better about myself," Tea looked down sullenly, then brought her head up to look at the pharaoh one last time before he... "Hey, where the hell has he gone? Why is that door closing? Noo!"

"Nyeh!" Joey held her back as she desperately tried to follow Yami through the portal.

'_For some reason, all this light isn't making me go blind! Thank Ra for anime physics and ambiguity!'_ Yami thought. _'Hey! I've suddenly got a sexy cape and outfit! And-…oh, dammit…'_ he stopped walking.

"Hi there, honey! You up for some fun and lovin' tonight?" Mana asked Yami while waving ecstatically at him.

"For the love of gummy bears, Mana, don't you have something a tiny bit more _modest_ to wear? You can't be even 15 years of age, and you're dressing up in a way that's on par with Mai Valentine in terms of skankiness!" Yami berated her as the door closed behind him.

"Well, my job here is done. I'll be seeing you in the near future, Kaiba!" the robot bid them farewell.

"Oh, great…I'll be looking _forward to it_…" Kaiba said sarcastically.

"Attention, duelists! My Hair has accidentally let off a bomb!" Hair Guy's voice suddenly echoed throughout the chamber right after the door closed.

"What the f**k is going on?" Kaiba grunted as a massive earthquake began underneath.

"The Millennium Stone! It's breaking up!" Yugi noted. "No! My chick magnet! How am I going to pick up girls, now?" he wailed after the stone shattered and all the Millennium Items fell into the chasm below.

"Screw your Puzzle! I can no longer force people to break dance, for *EFF!*'s sake!" Marik complained.

"And I'm no longer able to pre-emptively protect myself from gay people!" Bakura added.

"Run for your lives!" Grandpa panicked.

"Quick! To the Mokuba-mobile!" Mokuba suggested.

"…there isn't a Mokuba-mobile…" Kaiba winced.

"Run for it!" Yugi hastily said, and they all started running out of the building.

"Jagshamesh! They were all really Jewish, after all!" Shadi noted as his ghostly figure stood by, watching the gang run for their lives.

* * *

><p><strong>(Meanwhile, thousands of miles away)<strong>

"Apparently, running at full speed, non-stop for miles isn't even making us gasp for breath!" Joey noted after they somehow managed to escape the collapsing tomb.

"Now that our series has been officially cancelled, this will be the last time I receive direct screen time," Ishizu said. "So all of you, feast your eyes on my collar bones. You bloody love it, don't you, you horny fanboys? Yes, you do."

"I wanna make love to you, all day long, baby," Duke said to her.

"What an unsatisfactory conclusion to an equally unsatisfactory series!" Joey complained with his hands in his pockets. "I bet they're not even going to produce an epilogue episode which explains where all of us go from here!"

"What did you expect, Wheeler? This episode has been as disappointing as any Yu-Gi-Oh movie in existence," Kaiba dully replied.

"Yug! Give us one of your wrap-up speeches, so that this ending isn't a complete and utter failure!" Tristan requested.

"I've got nothing, Tristan. I'm not even in the mood to say 'Super Special Awesome' anymore," Yugi sighed with fatigue.

"I've got one!" Mokuba cheerfully made a suggestion. "It all has to do with-"

"SHUT UP, MOKUBA!" everyone said in unison.

**(The End)**

* * *

><p><strong>(Outtake: Marik's (Evil) Good Council of (Doom) Salvation)<strong>

**(Somewhere in Egypt…)**

Bakura: Marik…you _can't _be serious…

Marik: What the hell are you whingeing for, kitty?

Bakura: …I thought I told you never to call me that. Anyhow, I really did prefer the former name for this little organization of ours. The new one just sounds…_gay_…

Marik: Shut the *EFF!* up, Bakura! I just happen to like this new organizational name, which also reflects the change that has occurred within my heart!

Bakura: You DO realize that I'M still on this council, don't you, Marik?

Rex: Ahuhuhuhuh…Y'know, Marik, your sister is a SILF.

Marik: What the *EFF!* is a SILF?

Weevil: Duuuh…Sister-I'd-Like-to-Fu...

Marik: Oh, that's just _wrong_! Do I need to fry your brain with my Millennium Ro-hey, where did it go?

Bakura: You lost it in that tomb, Marik, you bloody tart…Not to mention that my gaydar is gone, as well.

Marik: Oh, yes…I forgot…Hey, by the way, Bakura, since your gaydar is what links you to your host, how come you're still around? I mean, shouldn't you be banished or something?

Bakura: This council of ours is non-canon from the series, Marik. The events of the main series has no effect within these walls.

Rex: Back to your sister, Marik. Seriously, her boobs are like…step aside, Mai Breastintine.

Bakura: How the bloody hell is that even possible? I found it physically impossible to even eye Yugi's Millennium Puzzle during the Duelist Kingdom tournament, with her standing in the way and all.

Pegasus: True. She's got nothing on my Cecilia, though.

Marik: Pegasus, your wife is dead, buried and probably rotting. She hasn't got _anything _left.

Pegasus: Oh…now you've hurt my feelings. Now I must go and watch the Spice Girls movie again. It soothes my body and soul of all pains.

Bakura: Believe it all you want Pegasus, but I know that the greatest movie of all time for psychological comfort will always be Cannibal Holocaust. Because of all the blood.

Bonz: Brains! ("I agree!")

Zygor: Deeeeh, what are _you _doing back here, Bonz?

Marik: Oh, yes…I recalled him into our council, seeing as how I have recently had a change of heart. Change of heart…get it?

Bakura: Yes, yes…_very _amusing, Marik.

Marik: You guys get it, right? Change of heart? It was Bakura's card!

Bakura: Shut up, Marik.

Marik: No! It is _you _who should embrace the values of silence! It is now time to discuss our next plan of action. Our next objective is to see to the downfall of the greatest evil organization since 4Kids animation!

Rex: You mean those Rare Hunters guys?

Marik: Geez, you're a slow one in terms of following along with the times, aren't you? And no, that is not the answer. Any other guesses?

Pegasus: The Church of Scientology?

Marik: No.

Zorc: The ones who cancelled 'The Suite Life of Zorc & Cody'?

Bakura: You mean _our _show, Zorc. Zorc & Pals.

Zorc: Oopsadaisy…sorry, darling.

Marik: No!

Zigor: _You_? You're a monster! You killed Sid. You bastard! I'll never forgive you!

Marik: Do I look like a *EFF!*ing organization to you, you fool? And if you're so angry with me, then why are you still sticking the *EFF!* around?

Rex: Ahuhuhuhuhhh…isn't it obvious?

Weevil: Yeah, hihih. He wants the chicks, like we do.

Zigor: Dehhhh…I actually have no place to go. So I'm sticking around here, with you guys.

Marik: Whatever, knucklehead, suit yourself. Next guess?

Steve Lumis: The moon?

Steve Umbris: Like a baus!

Marik: No…

Evil Teddy Bear: Me?

Marik: For the last Ra-damned time, an individual person is _not _an organization! _Geez_, what is _with _you people and your inability to differentiate between an organization and a single individual? And no, you're just a frigging teddy bear, for *EFF!*'s sake.

Evil Teddy Bear: ThE HoUR oF yoUR DEAth iS NigH. YoUr soUl shALl knoW ENDLesS toRMent aT thE hANds Of SAtAN!

Marik: Yeah, yeah, I'm really looking forward to it...And now, we come to the final guess. _Bakura_?

Bakura: Fanfiction removers?

Marik: Precisely! Thank-*EFF!*ing-you! Those fools see the need to stifle and clamp down on aspiring authors' creativity with an iron fist of pure and utter tyranny! It is therefore our job to see that they are put to an end, once and for all!

Bakura: And after all that talk of becoming a 'Good Council of Salvation'…_ironic_, if you ask me.

Marik: Oh, shut your face, kitty!

Bakura: Hnrghrrrrr…

Marik: Silence! They are an affront to all writers, worldwide! No – to all of humanity!

Zorc: Not really.

Rex: Yeah. You won't _believe _how many fics there are out there that are written _purely_ in script format. They're just an eyesore, if you ask me.

Weevil: Yeah. Hihihi. And the ones that are just one huge chunk of writing without any punctuation whatsoever are just worse!

Steve L: And those fanfics which irk the greatest of grammar Kaibas by using commas instead of full stops in speech separation.

Steve U: Yeah, man! They're going _down_!

Marik: Don't you mean grammar Nazis?

Steve L: That's what I said. Grammar Kaibas.

Bakura: Hehehe…you want to know the ironic thing, Marik?

Marik: What is it, kitty?

Bakura: The writer of this very fanfic did just that in his two earliest stories in his 'Chosen One' Pokémon saga…it was enough to irritate a certain already-permanently-disgruntled reviewer in the third story.

Marik: Well, as long as he's willing to go back, edit and fix up all those grammatical mistakes, so that those grammar Nazis are satisfied once again…He _is _going to do that, right?

Pegasus: I wouldn't know about that, and if you ask for my personal opinion, I'm willing to make a bet that he's too much of a lazy ass to do that! He hasn't even released the second chapter of the fourth book in that series, for what is now just a few days under a month!

Marik: You're quite possibly the biggest pessimist and asshole I've ever seen in my entire life! I'm sure he's very busy with his academic studies, which are probably taking up a good portion of his time.

Bakura: That still isn't much of an excuse to not publish the next chapter in a story for just under a month, you know.

Rex: Since when were you such an 'optimist', Marik?

Marik: Several *EFF!*ing seasons ago!

Evil Teddy Bear: LeT thE dARKnesS cONsumE yOu, bODY anD sOUl! You arE not dESTined fOR gOOdnesS!

Zorc: Let his heart decide, cute teddy bear! He's the only one who can control his own fate!

Bonz: Brains! ("You're a total dickhead!")

Marik: My mind is made up! From now on, I'm going to devote my life to good and charitable deeds! Just you *EFF!*ing wait and see! Let's…*(camera zooms in onto his face)* get down to business?

Bakura: …_please_ tell me you're not going to sing another song…

* * *

><p>'Let's get down to business'<p>

(A parody of 'I'll make a man out of you' from Mulan)

**MARIK:**

Getting down to business,

To defeat…_evil_!

Did they send me limeys,

When I asked…_for men?_

I specifically aa~aasked,

For large and bulky men,

How can I~~~

Make a ma~~n

Out of yooo~~u?

Sexy as George Clooney,

With appeal…like hers! *(Mai Valentine on-screen)*

Once we find the evil,

We will touch…it _there!_

I assume you know the very thing,

Of which I'm talking about,

If you do~~n't,

Then you ca~~n,

Go get screw~~~ed!

* * *

><p>(Short cut-away from the music) Bakura: Marik, there's not even a line of rhyme in that song.<p>

Marik: Shut up, kitty, it's my song!

* * *

><p><strong>(MARIK)<strong>

I'm never gonna catch

My breath

**(ZYGOR)**

Say goodbye for me to George Clooney!

**(EVIL TEDDY BEAR)**

Your death shall soon be drawing nigh

**(ZORC)**

I'm going to destroy the world

**(BONZ)**

Brains brains brains brains brains, brains brains brains ("What the f**k is going on?")

**(MARIK)**

Now I really wish that I knew how...to *EEEEFF!*!

(Random choir: Be a _man_,)

We must be as firm as

Bakura's a~abs,

(Random choir: Be a _man_,)

With the strength to

withstand all tra~aps (Bakura gets pwned by Mirror Force in the background)

(Random choir: Be a _man_,)

**(JOEY butts in randomly)**

With all the strength

Of my Brooklyn Ra~age

**(Steve Lumis (can't sing to save his life) )**

Mysterious as the

Dork side of the mo~~on!

* * *

><p>(Short cut-away from the music) Marik: You can't sing for <em>crap, binky boy<em>!

Steve Lumis: I apologize.

Steve Umbris: Not so harsh, man!

* * *

><p><strong>(MARIK)<strong>

Time is running o~out,

For we must…attain!

Something very vital,

Or I'll fry…your brain!

(To Bakura) You're an *EFF!*ing big

Wanker and you're

Such a pain up my backside

I think I'll…

Just commit…

Genoci~~de!

(Random choir: Be a _man_,)

We must get ready for

Some huge-ass monsters,

(Random choir: Be a _man_,)

(Marik's trying to get up a huge tree trunk just like in Mulan) For some reason

I'm climbing a po~ole

(Random choir: Be a _man_,)

This is giving me

A king-sized wedgie

Now I know exactly what it

feels like to…be you! (points squarely at Bakura who's grimacing with his arms crossed)

(Random choir: Be a _man_,)

**(JOEY)**

Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh nyenyeh

Nyeh nyeh nyeh nyeh

(Random choir: Be a _man_,)

**(MARIK)**

Get the *EFF!* out of

My spotli~ight!

(Random choir: Be a _man_,)

We must destroy 4Kids

Once and for a~all

Did any of that make

Any sense…at a~~~ll?

**(ALL)**

Hyah!

* * *

><p>Marik: Well, that was exceptionally good! I especially enjoyed the part where I was climbing that pole! I wonder if that 'Fa Mulan' enjoyed it just as much as I did?<p>

Bakura: Marik, you didn't give me any lines…

Marik: Well, it's not my *EFF!*ing fault now, is it? You can only blame yourself for having such an *EFF!*ing low voice register!

Bakura: Nrrrgh…

Zack(?): Aaw, man! We just missed out on a song, Cody!

Cody(?): Dude, I thought _you _were supposed to be Cody.

Zack(?): I thought we were already through this in Episode 39?

Marik: Both of you poorly cut-out-and-edited head portraits, shut the *EFF!* up! We are in the middle of concocting a plan that will save the world from the evil forces of…uhh…erm…who were we saving the world from, again?

Bakura: Fanfic removers, Marik.

Marik: Yes! I just remembered now. Now let's see…how will we do that, exactly?

Rex: We could like, totally spam their inboxes, like we did on Yugi's YouTube account!

Weevil: Yeah! And we could trigger their toilets to explode!

Steve L: Yes, indeed. That would be _hilarious_.

Steve U: Hilariously _dirty_! Ohhh, yeah!

Zorc: Why don't I just go over to their houses for a stroll? I could maybe persuade them that way!

Zack(?): Yeah! We'll be able to persuade them _for sure_!

Dan Green: Hello. Did I miss anything while I was away?

Marik: It sure took you long enough! We were wondering just where the *EFF!* you were! No, just kidding – you never even crossed our minds. Hah!

Bakura: Marik! We still haven't even decided on our plan of action! Just what are we going to do?

Marik: Oh, yes. Right. Umm…yeah, I'll just go with Zorc's plan, I guess. And Zorc! Take Dan Green with you!

Zorc: Certainly! We'll be back in a jiffy, won't we?

Dan Green: We most certainly will! We'll be able to persuade those fanfic removers to walk away from their evil ways, without the use of brutal and unnecessary violence!

Zorc: Oh, umm…yes…about that…Well, we'll just have to go and see how things turn out, shouldn't we?

Bakura: On your way now, Zorc.

Zorc: Bye! We'll be back before you can say, "I've finally destroyed the world!"

Pegasus: You _really _trust him to keep his word? You're even stupider than I thought.

Marik: Shut up, you overdressed prima donna!

* * *

><p><strong>(An hour later)<strong>

Zorc: I'm baaaack!

Bakura: Zooorc…what is that horrid smell you brought along with you?

Zorc: Oh, that? I, err…hehehe…

Dan Green: It was a total failure! We just ended up destroying half of the known world – including close to everything that isn't in our own universe, like Quahog, Evergreen Terrace and Alderaan!

Marik: Oh, well. At least you tried. Come on – we need to come up with yet _another _good plan to save the world! And for that, we need every single brain we can muster!

Bonz: Brains! ("Glad to!")

Cody(?): A puzzle! I like the sound of that! …Hey, by the way, Zorc, where's Zack?

Zorc: Not to worry! I've kept him safe underneath the large groove on the bottom of my foot, since he was complaining about fatigue! I carried him all the way!

Cody(?) (looks down at Zorc's foot. Blood is pouring out from underneath): Holy s**t…I think he's dead!

Steve L: What a digital dummy!

Steve U: Yeah, man! Totally!

Marik: …you guys make me lose all hope for humanity…

Bonz: Brains! ("Took you long enough to realize!")

**The (REAL) End**

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Well, this was a pretty good one to have written to temporarily get away from my Chosen One Pokémon saga. I can get back to working on that now, when I have time.

Please leave your reviews! : )


	5. Christmas Special!

**A/N:** Hi, all. Just wanted to let you all know about the 'Support Dan Green and the twins – Card Games for Charity' event that had recently been announced by LittleKuriboh on his YouTube account, CardGamesFTW. As some of you may know from the net, Dan Green's wife, Michal Friedman, has unfortunately passed away after childbirth complication from giving birth to their twins, on November 25, 2011. So please, even if you do not choose to donate to the Dan Green Guestbook that has been set up to support him and his twins, pass the news on, either through your own Yu-Gi-Oh (or other fandoms) fanfics, or through social networking. Again, please see the latest video on LittleKuriboh's YouTube account for details on how you can help/donate. Have a safe and Happy Christmas, everyone.

* * *

><p><strong>Christmas Special<strong>

**Opening Crawl**

Yami: Hey, guess what? We're _back_! Those ridiculous rappers can wait another day!

* * *

><p>"Urgh! Oaargh!" Yugi whined as he tossed and turned in bed back home, unable to get his mind off the pharaoh. Quite disturbing…<p>

'_God, this is sheer __**torture**__!'_ he thought. _'Whoever thought that going on for a whole week without a delinquent spirit in my mind could be so difficult?'_

"Oh, quit your _bitching_, Yugi!" a familiar, booming voice suddenly berated him, making him lurch out of bed.

"Huh? Pharaoh? Is that really _you_?" Yugi gasped, rubbing his eyes.

"Of course, Yugi. Who else could _possibly _be in your bedroom at this hour?" Yami rolled his eyes at him.

"Well, I always hoped that somehow Tea would be in here with me and-"

"Pfah!" Yami mocked. "You _wish, _Yugi! Even Fernando Torres has a higher chance of scoring than _you_!"

"Hey, lay off, man!" Yugi complained. "It may take years, but rest assured, I _will_ get to that stage where I can proudly say that I had lost my virginity! …Hopefully…"

"Yugi, don't you remember _anything at all _from the BBT Abridged Movie that was released just a few weeks ago? The facts will disappoint you, I'm sure of that."

"Y'know, I never _was _told whether or not I actually got laid in that movie. All I remember was Paradox laughing like a maniac, and that I had an unexplainable urge to strangle Jaden in his sleep!" Yugi scratched his head. "Hey, but anyways, how the _hell _did you get here anyway, pharaoh? Weren't you supposed to be…y'know…gone for eternity?"

"Duh, you're _dreaming_, Yugi," Yami rolled his eyes. "Who else could possibly dream of an impeccably handsome Egyptian in his bedroom?"

"…Pegasus?"

"Nicely played," Yami admitted.

"Okay, but…is there an actual reason why you're here, pharaoh? Cos it's creepy if you're here for no reason and taking up my dream, when I could be dreaming of much more pleasant things, like Tea's panti-erm…I mean…umm…" Yugi chuckled. "Pans! Frying pans! She's got some of the greatest in the world!"

"Oh, nothing, really. Just wanted to give you a mental momento of all the things we did, that's all," Yami shrugged. "That, and I got quite tired of Mana's incessant 'requests', if you know what I mean."

'_Lucky bastard…why does he get to score with the Dark Magician Girl every day?' _Yugi jealously thought to himself.

"Yugi, I can hear what you're thinking…" Yami dully noted, then brightened up. "But never mind! I have a fan-tucking-fastic way of cheering you up from your melancholy, Kubrick-esque mood!"

"And how is that?"

"A story! _Everyone _loves stories, Yugi!" Yami laughed.

"Oh God, not another poem…" Yugi slapped his forehead.

"Alright, then, here goes. Ahem!" Yami cleared his throat, then proceeded with his long monologue.

* * *

><p><em>There once was a boy named Yugi Muto<em>

_A mini-man they called him, the size of a Kabuto._

_Who had a knack for card games and looking up girls' skirts,_

_But couldn't do either on motorcycles, as he thought it hurts._

(^o^)

_He was invited one day to a madman's card game tournament_

_And to the Shadow Realm his irritating grandpa was sent._

_He had no choice – he had to go to that place_

_Where gay clowns, enormous chins and little boys dressed as bees were based._

(^o^)

_He had to overcome several obstacles, that he did severely detest,_

_Though to his surprising delight, two of them were Mai Valentine's breasts._

_He finally came to Pegasus's castle,_

_But lo! There was Kaiba, ready for battle!_

(^o^)

_When all was against him, the cowardly man walked,_

_Towards the ledge of the castle – what an emo-like dork!_

_He challenged the pharaoh to make an open attack_

_But disappointingly, the baby panda tracked back._

(^o^)

_The rest of Duelist Kingdom I'll skip,_

_For I'm certain you know,_

_Of what happened in that anticlimactic trip,_

_When the animation quality was low._

(^o^)

_Along came the Battle City tournament,_

_Where every good duelist competed,_

_But whoever gave Mai Valentine consent_

_To enter the tournament, he truly must be f***ed in the head!_

* * *

><p>"Hey, what's up with the sudden pause, pharaoh? Not that I'm complaining or anything," Yugi said. "But I thought that you were going to recount our entire adventure together, right up until you went back to the afterlife and-"<p>

"Are you _kidding,_ Yugi? You could hardly ever fit all that into a ten-minute YouTube video!" Yami blurted. "Besides, I really can't be bothered at the moment. Not with the Council meeting that's going to be coming up real soon."

"Council? _What _council meeting?" Yugi gripped his bedsheets.

"Another one of Marik's. Apparently, it's his second Good Council of Salvation, and every _good _Yu-Gi-Oh cast member's been invited...although it's obvious that everyone else will just turn up anyway. What a _gay _name that is for a meeting," Yami chuckled.

"Oh, God, no…" Yugi sighed and shook his head.

* * *

><p><strong>(Meanwhile…over <strong>_**there**_**!)**

**Marik's Good Council of Salvation #2**

Marik: Greetings, fools! It is good to finally have every member of the Yu-Gi-Oh cast with us on this very special day! Does everyone know what day it is?

Evil Teddy Bear: Just Get ON wITh iT, yOU fOol, oR SatAN shall devour yOUR soul!

Marik: Frigging frigg-stick! Talk about a bad attitude! This is supposed to be a _Good_ Council of Salvation from now on, remember? Lousy *EFF!*ed-up tart…Anyways, it's that one special time of the year again, when we all celebrate-

Yami Bakura: Not yet, Marik.

Marik: What? But it's-

Yami Bakura: December the 23rd. _Hardly _a cause for celebration just yet.

Zorc: You tell him, darling!

Marik: Hey, *EFF!* you, kitty! You should know by now that it's Christmas _season_! Everyone's been hanging up decorations all over shopping malls and undertaking all sorts of lunacy two months in advance!

Tristan: What in the name of Seth MacFarlane is going on?

Yugi: Just don't talk at all, Tristan, and you'll be fine. Hopefully.

Marik: Ahem…_SILENCE!_

Yami Bakura: Marik, that was blatantly unnecessary.

Marik: Your _accent _is unnecessary!

Rex: Ahuhuhuhuh…_burned_.

Weevil: Yeah! Fire! Fire! Yeah! Yeah! Ahiiihihihihi…

Steve Luna: Your pathetic Earth drabbles are _so _outdated.

Steve Umbris: Outdated, like a packet of moon prostitutes!

Steve Luna: On the moon, our arguments will cause you to s**t your effing pants!

Steve Umbris: S**t them beyond washing, man!

Johnny Steps: Hey! Johnny Steps will _not _be ignored!

Steve Luna: Yes he will, because if Johnny Steps does not stay quiet, we shall _flay_ him into submission with our superior moon whips!

Steve Umbris: Like a baus!

Marik: _Silence!_ I was just about to announce our guest members for today. May I present, from Dragonball Abridged; Goku, Gohan, Krillin, Yamcha, Piccolo, Vegeta, Ghost Nappa-

Ghost Nappa: Oh, yeah…s**t's gonna get real all up in this bitch…

Vegeta: Oh, god-dammit, Nappa! Shut the hell up!

Marik: …Lord Guru-

Super Kami Guru: Foolish brown Namekian. You shall refer to me as…Super Kami Guru.

Nail: Sir, I don't think that's necessary in an occasion such as-

Super Kami Guru: I'm about to give you 'an occasion' where you won't _ever_ forget iiiit!

Nail: …Yes, Lord Guru…

Marik: Moving right along…_Nail_, and finally…Dende.

Krillin: No! It's 'Little Green'!

Marik: It says Dende. Right here.

Dende: For once in a while, I see a human whom I can actually respect. I thank you, sir!

Yami Bakura: Fwahahaha!

Marik: What's so funny, kitty?

Yami Bakura: I find it absolutely ludicrous and laughable that 'Marik' and 'respect' can fit into the same sentence!

Chiaotzu: Hey! You forgot _me_! *(sees Nappa)* Oh…s**t…

Ghost Nappa: Oh my God! It's that _Pokémon _again! I've got a _prototype_ Master Ball waiting to strike you after I land a critical and use Sing on you…Hey, is there any Pokémon here that knows Sing?

Tristan: I do! (sings) Lean on me~~When you're not stro~ong…And I'll be your friend…

Ghost Nappa: Aww, Vegeta, it didn't work! Again!

Kaiba: Urgh… *(chucks Mokuba towards Nappa)*

Mokuba: Whoooaaa!

Ghost Nappa: Urgh! A…a Chiaotzu…and a shiny Mokuba! It's just like catching a Mew and a Celebi with one-…oh god-dammit, I only have _one _Master Ball!

Marik: Frigging hell! We've already wasted more than a full minute on introductions! I'll get through the others quickly! From Naruto Abridged, joining us are Naruto and Tsunade!

Naruto: Where do you keep the cigarettes?

Tsunade: I say, this Council room sure is awfully cramped.

Mai: Hey! Move it along, sister! My breasts do not tolerate your presence in this building! My sisters Faye and Ivy are bad enough, but _you_, I will never tolerate!

Tsunade: How _dare_ you, you filthy little slu-

Hair Guy: Attention duelists! My Hair wishes to inform you that violence of any sort will _not _be tolerated in this building!

Gruber: Zat ist correct! Ve shall clamp down upon zose who vill in any vay compromise ze safety of der Fuhrer!

Kaiba: That's…kinda unnecessary, guys…

Hans: But mein Fuhrer! It ist our sole rezponzibility to zee to your zafety, as officers of your noble Kaiba SS!

Kaiba: I _said _it's _unnecessary_.

Hans and Gruber: Ja, mein Fuhrer! Heil Kaiba!

Yugi: Why are there only _two _characters from Naruto Abridged here?

Yami Yugi: _What _Abridged, now?

Yugi: _Naruto _Abridged! Y'know, our Abridged partners from a Galaxy far far away who smoke too much and get way too much plastic surgery on themselves.

Yami Marik: Hey, Yusei, do you know what Yugi's talking about?

Yusei: Can't say I do, Yugi.

Yami Yugi: No, Yusei…nor can I…

(Careless whisper plays, and Yami and Yusei are staring at each other like in the BBT Abridged Movie)

*(Caption: ALL OF THE HOMO!)*

Tea: Hummanahummanahummana…

Yusei: …I get that a lot.

Jack: HUMMANAHUMMANAHUMMANA…

Yusei: …Yes. Thank you too, Jack.

Jack: YOU'RE WELCOME, YUSEEEEEI!

Jaden (muffled voice from outside door): Hey, let me in! This is supposed to be a _joint_ Christmas celebration!

Yami Yugi: Yugi, do you hear anything?

Yugi: Can't say that I do, pharaoh.

Gohan: Nope. Me neither.

Jaden: Come on, guys! This is so bulls**t! Why are you keeping me out by locking the- gaaah! *(chainsaw sounds)*

Sideshow Bob (entering the room, singing): Ding dong, the rapper's dead…Oh…Hello…mind if I join in?

Marik: What the *EFF!*? I didn't invite _him_! What is this bullsh*tery?

Super Kami Guru: Naaaaaaaaaaaaaiiil!

Nail (frustrated): _Whaaat…_

Super Kami Guru: There is another mutant Namekian standing before us. I detest the light that is reflecting off his yellow skin. Kill him immediately.

Sideshow Bob (gleefully): Oh, I don't think that's quite necessary, good chap…

Nail: Uhh…_sir_, although he _does _have a very low power level, I…don't really wanna touch him...

Super Kami Guru: Touch him, Nail. Touch him where it _hurts._

Piccolo: Oh, come on! You call yourself a Namekian?

Nail: Coming from a bitch who couldn't even recall his own people's language…and doesn't even have any apps besides Minesweeper.

Piccolo: Oh, HA HA!

Yamcha: So, what's with-

All others: Shut up, Yamcha!

Mokuba: Phew! _Finally _someone else has taken away the burden from-

All others: Shut up, Mokuba! …_and_ Yamcha!

Marik: As I said before, what the *EFF!* is _he _doing here?

Yami Bakura: Well, I thought that if anything could knock you back into your true nature and state of mind, it would be a _real _villain who is an acquaintance of mine. I _did _consider bringing Melvin, but…let's just leave it at that, shall we?

Sideshow Bob (evilly): Hoooow do you do?

Yami Bakura: Fancy some croutons and tea, Bob?

Sideshow Bob: I most certainly do, Bakura. With a little blood on the side, of course. And by a _little_, I mean a _fountain_.

Yami Bakura (chuckles): Oh, how _British _you are, Bob!

Sideshow Bob: Right back at you, Bakura, my good old chap.

Both: Oh, we're so incredibly British!

Yugi: Oh, God! Tea, hide me in your cleavage!

Mai (unzipping jacked sound in background): Here. You can hide in _mine_, Yugi!

Joey: Hey, no fair! I thought only _I _was going to be allowed into your breasts, Mai!

Mai: _Please_, Joey. These breasts are a freelance service. Much like an Officer Jenny going from town to town, offering certain services on a motorcyc-

Jack: CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!

Yami Yugi: Well, of course! What _else _could be more pleasant than card games with an Officer Jenny, eh?

Grandpa: …I wet myself…

Dartz: Everywown! Are we gonna keep on bitchin' about some waaandom *EFF!*in' cwap, or are we gonna start some seewious mass-debatin' about savin' da world? We gotta start mass-debatin' wite nooow! Everyone…all at once! …Togedaa.

(all silent)

Goku: …what?

Marik: Yes, indeed. What the *EFF!* are you talking about? And who gave _you_ the *EFF!*ing right to steal my *EFF!*?

Dartz: Yo' _what_?

Marik: You heard me – my *EFF!*

Rafael: Boss, I think he means you stole his f***ing trademark censor.

Dartz: Wha abaoout his *EFF!*ing trademark?

Alister: You…_really _don't get it, boss?

Dartz: Get what? What the *EFF!* are yo tawkin' abaouu, maaayn?

Valon: Never mind, boss. It's not that important, anyway.

Dartz: Whateeeva! We needa start some seewious mass-debatin' about what coaase o' action we gon' take!

Pegasus: Ooohohohoohoo! I know that _I _certainly would like to take part in such an activity!

Zombie Cecilia: Braaains! ("I'd certainly want to, as well!")

Joey: Ooohh, looks like _someone_ got replaced!

Zombie Boy: Yeah, whatever. I couldn't care less. There's _way _too many clichéd catch-phrases in this series anyway.

Bandit Keith: In America! …I mean…_In Canada!_

Zygor: Deeeeh, what happened to your name, Bonz? I thought it was umm…err…I thought it was…

Yami Bakura: …Bonz?

Zygor: Yeah! That!

Zombie Boy: Well, _obviously _the author of this fanfic is an idiotic little d*ckhead for forgetting such a trivial fact in the previous Council meeting.

Shadi: Jagshamesh! I apologize for my late arrival. Some Jew had once again stolen the donuts hanging from my ears, which I had to go and retrieve using the trusted old method of unadulterated violence! Is nice?

Yugi: Oh God, it's _him_…

Bee Boy: Hey, no fair! I thought disguising myself as a bee would allow me to camouflage in all the yellow sand while I acquired some donuts!

Yami Yugi: Well, you can hardly blame yourself! Your annoying voice makes you as noticeable as a gay clown standing in the middle of a circus ground! …Hey, where did that random kid just go?

Sideshow Bob: *(whistles to himself while holding a knife behind his back with both hands)*

Yugi: …Suddenly I'm beginning to appreciate Marik's evil half.

Melvin (making a sudden entry, his theme music playing in the background): Yeeees? Did someone just say my name?

Tristan: Hooray! Hugs all around!

Tea: No, Tristan! He's going to make your life a living hell!

Mark: Frigg! Bakura, _hide me_!

Melvin: Now that Uncle Melvin has joined the party…_Who wants a hug?_

Tristan: I do!

Marik: What the *EFF!* happened to security? You were supposed to deal with it, you frigging frigg-stick!

Odion: Yes, Master Marik.

Marik: Not you, Odion. I'm talking about the...the guy with the pointy hair and stuff.

Hair Guy: Attention duelists! I have no idea what you're talking about! My Hair only accepts _one _contract at a time, and My Hair is currently contractually obligated to Mr. Seto Kaiba!

Kaiba: Winning…

Melvin: _Silence_!

Marik: Hey, you *EFF!*ing frigging frigg! That's _my _line! Only _I _get to say, 'Silence!'

Yami Bakura: Marik, I sincerely suggest that you calm down – and back down while you're at it. It could be…I don't know…_dangerous_…

Marik: Oh…okay, then, I um…I'll stay silent. For now.

Melvin: You _see_, Marik? This is _exactly _the reason why you needed me in the first place! Without me, you're nothing but a weak, whiny little bi-

Ishizu: I predict that you assertion will be a hundred percent wrong. My brother is _strong_ now. Strong enough to stand up against your tyranny and your-

Marik: Ishizu, _protect me_! Wah!

Rex: Ahuhuhuhuhuh…check it out, Weevil – it's the SILF.

Weevil: Yeah! Ahihihih…fire, fire! Hihihihih…

Ishizu: O…k?

Melvin: I see now that none of you hold the strength or ambition to lead this little group of ours. Very well, then. I call for a change in leadership! Starting with a vote of No Confidence in Marik!

Yami Yugi: What is this, 'The Phantom Menace'?

Melvin: _Silence_, pharaoh! I _said _I call for a vote of No Confidence! Who here agrees?

(all blurt out of fear)

Yugi: Me.

Joey: Me.

Mokuba: Me.

Ryou Bakura: Me.

Zombie Boy: Me.

Zorc: Me.

Krillin: Me.

Naruto: M-*(starts coughing uncontrollably, caption skips to 1 minute later)*…Me…God, I need to quit smoking...

Melvin: Excellent. Now then, who shall everyone vote for? I _suggest_ that you all vote for Yours Truly, otherwise I will-

Yami Yugi: Ghost Nappa.

Pegasus: Ghost Nappa.

Tea: Ghost Nappa.

Piccolo: Ghost Nappa.

Goku: Ghost Nappa.

Mai: Ghost Nappa.

Ghost Nappa: Yaaaaay! Now we can all play 'Follow the Leader'!

Vegeta: Oh, god-dammit!

Melvin: W-_what_? _Impossible_! I command you all to vote for me, otherwise I will-

Yami Yugi: Yes, yes, yes, we all know what you can do, Melvin. But erm…Nappa's a ghost. Nuff said. I wouldn't want to take the risk of incurring the wrath of a supernatural being.

Yusei: I thought you were _also _a supernatural being, Yami.

Yami Yugi: No, Yusei…you've always been _mine_…

(Careless whisper plays, and Yami and Yusei are staring at each other)

Yusei: Yes homo?

Yami Yugi (smiling): Definitely.

Melvin: No! This is not right! You must all obey _me_, and me alone!

Ghost Nappa: Oh, yeah…sh*t just got sizzling real, all up in this bitch! Oh, _I know_! We'll _rename _this Council of ours!

Marik: No! It must remain 'Marik's Good Council of Salvation', in order to reflect its new purpose!

Ghost Nappa: Boooring! Hey, let's play a game! It goes like this: The name of the council starts with 'Nappa's', and then we randomly add one word to it to make up a council name! Okay, okay, here goes…_Nappa's_.

Yugi: Super Special Awesome?

Goku: That's not a word!

Yami Yugi: It _is,_ to _him_. Now let's not speak any more on this little subject – Yugi can bitch on for _ages_ if you allow him to!

Nappa: Okay, so…so far we have 'Nappa's Super Special Awesome'. Anything else?

Tsunade (looking sideways disdainfully at Mai, who is standing beside her as they both have their arms crossed): Council…

Mai (glaring back at Tsunade): of…

Ghost Nappa: Oh, yeah, we need those two words, don't we? So…final takers?

Joey (drooling as he stares at Mai and Tsunade): Breasts…

Shadi: Sexy Time!

Piccolo: 'Nappa's Super Special Awesome Council of Breasts Sexy Time'?

Super Kami Guru: Naaaaaaiiiilll…our friends from Earth require your assistance in naming this sh*tfest of a council. You must help them.

Nail: Lord Guru, they've…already chosen a name for it.

*(A sudden knocking is heard at the door)*

Goku: What's that?

Naruto: Whatever it is, I'm going to smoke it!

Joey: Nyeh? Just how many people are invited to this Council meeting, anyway?

Yami Bakura: Well, technically _no-one_, seeing as this is now Nappa's Super Special Awesome Council of Breasts Sexy Time, instead of Marik's Good Council of Salvation.

Melvin (holding his chainsaw behind his back): Hehehe…oh, please do go ahead and open the door. I'm literally _dyyying _to get a hug!

Sideshow Bob (holding a knife behind him): Seconded…

Evil Teddy Bear (with glowing red eyes): ThiRDeD.

Zombie Boy: Uhh…_thirded _isn't a word…

Kaiba: Screw English, I have money!

Marik: …Okay? Well, let's open the door, shall we? Zombie Boy, I command you to open that door at once!

Zombie Boy: Oh no you don't. Remember this isn't _your _council anymore, asshole!

Ghost Nappa: Ohhh yeah, f***ed up like a mofo! Well…I say open the door!

Zombie Boy: Okay…let me just peep through a tiny gap and see who's- gaaah! *(is promptly picked up and eaten)*

Slender Man: Hey, guyyyyyys! Hey guyyyyyys!

Yami Bakura: Urgh…

Marik: Ohhh, frigg…

Melvin: Hmm? What's wrong, Marik? Scared of a little faceless man, are we, Binky Boy? Ahahahaaha! Ahhh, it's been _too long _since I had the enjoyment of wrenching the guts out of an organic being. *(walks towards the Slender Man with chainsaw)* I think I'll start with his rib cage and then- *(Slender Man takes and eats chainsaw)*. What the-…ohhhh, f**k.

Slender Man: Hey guys, can I be a part of your Council, too?

Marik: No! *EFF!* off!

Slender Man: Oh, come on, guyyyys! Just for a few minutes!

Mokuba: Please make him go away! *(hides behind Kaiba)* Seto, hide me!

Kaiba: Hmm? What's that? I'm afraid I've just recently used a Max Repel, a.k.a an Armani perfume. Plus I have three Level 100 Blue-Eyes White Dragons. In other words, I can't be touched at all by wild Pokémon. Not that I see any here.

Mokuba: But Seto!-

Kaiba: I _said_…can't be touched at all.

The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past From the Future: Correction! I think you'll find it that you _can _and _will_ be touched, Kaiba! As I have foreseen.

Kaiba: Oh God, no...

Shadi: Jagshamesh! That is not true! Only _I _can foresee the future, and have therefore been breaking the Fourth Wall since 1998!

Ishizu: I predict that your prediction that only you alone can predict the future is a false prediction!

Toolo: …_I can see the futuuuuuure!_

Espa Roba: YOU ARE ALL WRONG! ONLY I CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE!

Yami Bakura: Oh, great. Now there's been a _total _failure of security. Good work in choosing this location, Marik.

Roba Brother: Excuse me, would you like this baby?

Yami Bakura: Oh, piss off!

Tea: Ooh! Is it cute?

Roba Brother: Yes!

Tea: And a panda?

Roba Brother: No…But it can sing as a soprano and do cartwheels as well while singing! We haven't seen it yet, but err…we're pretty sure he can!

Cybernetic Ghost: No! As the father of Kaiba and indeed the father of you all, only _I _have the power to predict the future as well as your fates?

Yugi: You're our…_what_, now?

Cybernetic Ghost: _What_'s what? What are you talking about.

Yami Yugi: You…said that you're the father of all of us, just now. That's…kinda disturbing, considering the fanfiction couples in this series and all.

Cybernetic Ghost: Oh, right. But it's true! I _am _your father!

Tristan: Noooooo!

Cybernetic Ghost: If you would let me explain, you fussy curs! Because you see, _thousands of years ago_, before the first woman was made from Adam's ribcage, there was-

Kaiba: Wawawait a moment, hold on a sec.

Cybernetic Ghost: What is it?

Kaiba: Didn't you tell me in that one video when I was looking for my real father that there was no God?

Cybernetic Ghost: I dunno. Did I?

Kaiba: _Yes_. So what's with the whole story about the magical apple and the snake and that other crap?

Cybernetic Ghost: Oh, right, I forgot about that…well, you naturally get things muddled up when you know so many things as I do.

Yugi: Wait, aren't you a robot? Aren't you supposed to be all-knowing and all?

Dende: Not to mention smarter than the average Earthling.

Krillin: You tell em', Little Green!

Dende: No. Dende. Say Dende.

Krillin: Umm…_Dende_? What's that?

Dende: It's my _name_, you _ktaa_…

Krillin: No it's not! Your name is Little Green! Always has been, always will!

Dende: …toochbak… ("Douchebag…")

Cybernetic Ghost: As I was saying…_thousands of years ago_, in a galaxy far far away, when the skies were filled with Alduins, Dovahkiins and Little Greens, _I _was _very_ _alone_. Until I found a mate from whom I have now been separated from for millennia, and still hold great affections for. A robot with whom I could share my most intimate secrets and spoiler alerts. A robot known as…_Bender_.

Rafael: Umm…_what_?

Cybernetic Ghost: You heard me. _Bender_.

Alister: Umm…are you serious?

Dartz: Sewiously, what da *EFF!*'s up with yo' heawin, maaan? I heard him cwearwy da fuurst time! He said 'Bend-oooowa'! Now, do as he says, or I will foaoce you down mahself!

Mai: Oooh…sounds exciting.

Tsunade: You're such a slut.

Mai: Shut your cleavage, you bimbo!

Yugi: You…_do _realize that Bender is a…_guy_, right?

Cybernetic ghost: Correction – unlike you lower-class meatbags, we robots are of a higher societal tier altogether. We do not have male and female. We only have the _one_.

Kaiba: Uhh…_right_. And you're telling us that…we all came from you and _Bender_?

Cybernetic Ghost: That is correct!

Gohan: Suddenly, I miss being on Namek. Can we go back? We still haven't finished fighting with Frieza yet. He said he'll give us three hours, but…I can't really trust him on his word.

Ghost Nappa: Oh, oh! Can I? Can I come and watch, Vegeta? I always wanted to see a shiny bald Pokémon! Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta?

Vegeta: OH, GOD-DAMMIT, NAPPA!

Yugi: Huh…so…we're all the offspring of two transvestite robots from the future from the past?

Kaiba: This is…kind of awkward.

Nail: Hah! Sucks to be you humans!

Piccolo: Shut _up_, Nail...

Yami Bakura: So…you're telling me that…I'm related to Marik? Urgh…

Marik: What? What's wrong, kitty?

Yami Bakura: I believe this is the end of Thiefshipping, Marik.

Marik: You believe this is the what of what?

Zorc: Don't worry, darling! There's always time for more Zorc and Pals!

Yami Bakura: Oh, _huzzah…_

Yamcha: what's Zorc and Pa-

All others: Shut up, Yamcha!

Yami Yugi: Wait, wasn't this Council meeting supposed to be about saving the world from certain destruction and evil? Whatever in the name of Ra happened with _that_?

Melvin: 4Kids happened, that's what.

Steve Umbris: Like a baus!

**MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!**


End file.
